ARTEMUS     WARD'S     LECTURE. 


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ARTEMUS   WARD'S 
PANORAMA. 

(J.s  exhibited  at  the  Egyptian  Hall,  London.) 

EDITED   BY   HIS   EXECUTORS, 

T.  W.  ROBERTSON  &  E.  P.  KINGSTON. 
WITH  THIRTY-FOUR  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


NEW    YORK: 

G.    W.    CARLETON,    PUBLISHER. 

LONDON:     J.    C.    HOTTEN. 
MDCCCLXIX. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1869,  by 

G.    W.    CARLETON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the 
Southern  District  of  New  York. 


CONTENTS. 

TAQB. 

FIRST  ANNOUNCEMENT  OF  THE  LECTURE  •  »  •  •  7 
INTRODUCTION. 

By  T.  W.  ROBERTSON  .....  9 

ARTEMUS  WARD  AS  A  LECTURER. 

Prefatory  Note  by  E.  P.  KINGSTON  .          .          .       19 


THE  LECTURE. 

By  ARTEMUS  WARD                   •          •          •          •  57 

PROSCENIUM  (with  the  curtain  down)        •           •           •           •           .  58 

THE  STEAMER  "ARIEL"   .......  74 

MONTGOMERY  STREET,  SAN  FRANCISCO  .          •          •  .78 

VIRGINIA  CITY,  NEVADA  ....•••  82 

PLAINS  BETWEEN  VIRGINIA  AND  SALT  LAKE  .  •  .  86 
PART  OF  SALT  LAKE  CITY. 

Viewed  from  a  distance    ••••••  93 

SALT  LAKE  CITY. 

From  the  heights  behind  it                    p           .                      .  V9 


.390415 


^  CQNTEN1S. 

PAGE. 
104 

THE  SALT  LAKE  HOUSE  •          • 

MAIN  STREET,  SALT  LAKE  CITY 

THE  COACH  TO  SALT  LAKE         •  • 

THE  MORMON  THEATRE 

l''! 
MAIN  STREET,  SALT  LAKE  CITY 

UPPER  PART  OF  MAIN  STREET 

.     128 
BRIOHAM  YOUNG'S  PALACE         • 

133 

IlEBER  C.  KlMBALL'8  HAREM       . 

TABERNACLE  AND  BOWERY         •          •          •          •          • 

143 
FOUNDATIONS  OF  THE  TEMPLE    . 

FOUNDATIONS  OF  THE  Tmnia— continue*        .          •          •          .Ha 

149 
THE  TEMPLE  AS  IT  is  TO  BE 

.      152 
GREAT  SALT  LAKE 

155 
GREAT  SALT  LAKE— continued,      . 

1  ^ft 

CURTAIN  (interval  for  refreshments)  . 

161 
THE  ENDOWMENT  HOUSE 

ENTRANCE  TO  ECHO  CANYON      .          • 

167 
THE  INDIANS  ON  THE  PLAINS     . 

OUR  ENCOUNTER  WITH  THE  INDIANS    . 

175 
THE  ROCKY  MOUNTAINS  . 

THE  ROCKY  MOUNTAINS  SCENERY         .          •          •          •   * 

181 
THE  PLAINS  OF  COLORADO         .          • 

CROSSING  THE  PLAINS. 

5  .    183 

An  Emigrant  Caravan      • 


CONTENTS.  vi 

PAGE. 

THE  PRAIRIE  ON  FIRE     .«••••  187 

THE  PRAIRIE  ON  FIRE—  continued          •          »          .          .  .189 

BRIOHAM  YOUNG  AT  HOME         .           .          •          •          «  •      192 

THE  PROSCENIUM  (with  the  curtain  down)        •          •          •  •      19J 


APPENDIX. 

THE  "TIMES"  CRITIQUE  upon  the  Lecture'  ,  .  .  .201 
PROGRAMME  issued  by  Arteinus  Ward 

At  the  Egyptian  Hall,  London  «  •  .  303 

PROGRAMME  issued  by  Artemus  Ward 

AX  Dodwona  Hall,  New  Ywk       •*.         v         .909 


*"PHE  Lecture  on  the  Mormons  was  thus  announced  to  the 
public  of  New  York,  when  Artemus  Ward  first  appeared 
at  Dodworth  Hall  :— 

THE  Festivities  at  Dodworth  Hall  will  be  commenced 
by  the  pianist,  a  gentleman  who  used  to  board  in  the  same 
street  with  Gottschalk.  The  man  who  kept  the  boarding- 
house  remembers  it  distinctly.  The  overture  will  consist  of 
a  medley  of  airs,  including  the  touching  new  ballads—"  Dear 
Sister,  is  there  any  Pie  in  the  house  ?"  "  My  gentle  Father, 
have  you  any  Fine  Cut  about  you  ?  "  "  Mother,  is  the  Battle 
o'er— and  is  it  safe  for  me  to  come  home  from  Canada  ? " 
And  (by  request  of  several  families  who  haven't  heard  it) 
"  Tramp,  tramp,  tramp,  the  Boys  are  Marching."  While  the 
enraptured  ear  drinks  in  the  sweet  music  (we  pay  our  pianist 
nine  dollars  a  week,  and  "  find  him '  )  the  eye  will  be 
enchained  by  the  magnificent  green  baize  covering  of  the 
panorama.  This  green  baize  cost  40  cents  a  yard  at  Mr. 
Stewart's  store.  It  was  bought  in  deference  to  the  present 
popularity  of  "  The  Wearing  of  the  Green."  We  shall  keep 
up  to  the  times  if  we  spend  the  last  dollar  our  friends  have 
got. 


INTRODUCTION. 

BY  T.    W.    ROBERTSON. 

tasks  are  more  difficult  or  delicate  than  to  write 
on  the  subject  of  the  works  or  character  of  a  departed 
friend.  The  pen  falters  as  the  familiar  face  looks  out  of 
the  paper.  The  mind  is  diverted  from  the  thought  of  death 
as  the  memory  recalls  some  happy  epigram.  It  seems  so 
strange  that  the  hand,  that  traced  the  jokes  should  be 
cold,  that  the  tongue  that  trolled  out  the  good  things  should 
be  silent — that  the  jokes  and  the  good  things  should  remain, 
and  the  man  who  made  them  should  be  gone  for  ever. 

The  works  of  Charles  Farrjfr  Browne — who  was  known 
to  the  world  as  "Artemus  Ward" — have  run  through 
so  many  editions,  have  met  with  such  universal  popularity, 
and  have  been  so  widely  criticised,  that  it  is  needless 
to  mention  them  here-  So  many  biographies  have  been, 


10 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


written  of  the  gentleman  who  wrote  in  the  character  of  the 
'cute  Yankee  Showman,  that  it  is  unnecessary  that  I  should 
touch  upon  his  life,  belongings,  or  adventures.    Of  "Artemus 
Ward"  I  know  just  as  much  as  the  rest  of  the  world.     I 
prefer,  therefore,  to  speak  of  Charles  Farrer  Browne,  as 
I  knew  him,  and,  in  doing  so,  I  can  promise  those  friends 
who  also  knew  him  and  esteemed  him,  that  as  I  consider 
no  "  public"  man  so  public,  that  some  portion  of  his  work, 
pleasures,  occupations,  and  habits  may  not  be  considered 
private  I  shall  only  mention  how  kind  and  noble-minded 
was  the  man  of  whom  I  write,  without  dragging  forward 
Bpecial  and  particular  acts  in  proof  of  my  words,  as  if  the 
goodness  of  his  mind  and  character  needed  the  certificate  of 
facts. 

I  first  saw  Charles  Browne  at  a  literary  club  ;  he  had  only 
been  a  few  hours  in  London,  and  he  seemed  highly  pleased  and 
excited  at  finding  himself  in  the  old  city  to  which  his  thoughts 
had  so  often  wandered.  Browne  was  an  intensely  sympa 
thetic  man.  His  brain  and  feelings  were  as  a  "lens,"  and  Lo 


INTRODUCTION,  BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON.      n 

received  impressions  immediately.  No  man  could  see  him 
without  liking  him  at  once.  His  manner  was  straightforward 
and  genial,  and  had  in  it  the  dignity  of  a  gentleman, 
tempered,  as  it  were,  by  the  fun  of  the  humorist.  When 
you  heard  him  talk  you  wanted  to  make  much  of  him, 
not  because  he  was  "  Arternus  Ward,"  but  because  he 
was  himself,  for  no  one  less  resembled  "  Artemus  Ward  " 
than  his  author  and  creator,  Charles  Farrer  Browne.  But 
a  few  weeks  ago  it  was  remarked  to  me  that  authors  were 
a  disappointing  race  to  know,  and  I  agreed  with  the  remark, 
and  I  remember  a  lady  once  said  to  me  that  the  personal 
appearance  of  poets  seldom  "  came  up  "  to  their  works.  To 
this  I  replied  that,  after  all,  poets  were  but  men,  and  that  it 
was  as  unreasonable  to  expect  that  the  late  Sir  Walter  Scott 
could  at  all  resemble  a  Gathering  of  the  Clans  as  that  the 
late  Lord  Macaulay  should  appear  anything  like  the  Com 
mittal  of  the  Seven  Bishops  to  the  Tower.  I  told  the  lady 
that  she  was  unfair  to  eminent  men  if  she  hoped  that  cele 
brated  engineers  would  look  like  tubular  bridges,  or  that  Sir 
Edwin  Landseer  would  remind  her  of  a  "  Midsummer  Night's 


12  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

Dream."  I  mention  this  because,  of  all  men  in  the  world,  my 
friend  Charles  Browne  was  the  least  like  a  showman  of  any 
man  I  ever  encountered.  I  can  remember  the  odd  half- 
disappointed  look  of  some  of  the  visitors  to  the  Egyptian 
Hall  when  "Artemus"  stepped  upon  the  platform.  At  first 
they  thought  that  he  was  a  gentleman  who  appeared  to 
apologise  for  the  absence  of  the  showman.  They  had  pic 
tured  to  themselves  a  coarse  old  man  with  a  damp  eye  and 
a  puckered  mouth,  one  eyebrow  elevated  an  inch  above 
the  other  to  express  shrewdness  and  knowledge  of  the 
world — a  man  clad  in  velveteen  and  braid,  with  a  heavy 
watch-chain,  large  rings,  and  horny  hands,  the  touter 
to  a  wax-work  show,  with  a  hoarse  voice,  and  over 
familiar  manner.  The  slim  gentlemen  in  evening  dress, 
polished  manners,  and  gentle  voice,  with  the  tone  of  good 
breeding  that  hovered  between  deference  and  jocosity ;  the 
owner  of  those  thin — those  much  too  thin — white  hands 
could  not  be  the  man  who  spelt  joke  with  a  "  g."  Folks 
who  came  to  laugh,  began  to  fear  that  they  should  remain 
to  be  instructed,  until  the  gentlemanly  disappointcr  began 


INTRODUCTION,  BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON.      13 

to  speak,  then  they  recovered  their  real  "Artemus," 
Betsey  Jane,  wax-figgers,  and  all.  Will  patriotic  Americans 
forgive  me  if  I  say  that  Charles  Browne  loved  England 
dearly  ?  Ee  had  been  in  London  but  a  few  days  when  he 
paid  a  visit  to  the  Tower.  He  knew  English  history  better 
than  most  Englishmen ;  and  the  Tower  of  London  was  to 
him  the  history  of  England  embalmed  in  stone  and  mortar. 
No  man  had  more  reverence  in  his  nature;  and  at  the 
Tower  he  saw  that  what  he  had  read  was  real.  There 
icere  the  beef-eaters ;  there  had  been  Queen  Elizabeth 
and  Sir  Walter  Raleigh,  and  Lady  Jane  Grey,  and 
Shakspere's  murdered  princes,  and  their  brave,  cruel  uncle. 
There  was  the  block  and  the  axe,  and  the  armour  and 
the  jewels.  "St.  George  for  merrie  England!"  had  been 
shouted  in  the  Holy  Land,  and  men  of  the  same  blood  as 
himself  had  been  led  against  the  infidel  by  men  of  the  same 
brain  and  muscle  as  George  Washington.  Robin  Hood  was 
a  reality,  and  not  a  schoolboy's  myth  like  Ali  Baba  and 
Valentine  and  Orson. 

There  were  two  sets  of  feelings  in  Charles  Browne  at  tho 


14  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

Tower.    He  could  appreciate  the  sublimity  of  history,  but, 
as  the  "  Show "  part  of  the  exhibition  was  described  to 
him,   the  humorist,   the  wit,  and  the  iconoclast  from  the 
other  side  of  the  Atlantic  must  have  smiled  at  the  "  descrip 
tions."    The  "Tower"  was  a  "fallow,"   like  his  own— 
Artemus  Ward's.     A  price  was  paid  for  admission,  and  the 
"figgers"   were   "orated."      Eeal  jewellery  is  very  like 
sham  jewellery  after  all,   and  the   "Artemus"   vein  in 
Charles  Browne's  mental  constitution — the  vein  of  humour, 
whose  source  was  a  strong  contempt  of  all  things  false, 
mean,  shabby,  pretentious,  and  only  external— of  bunkum 
and  Barnumisation — must  have  seen  a  gigantic  speculation 
realising  ship  loads  of  dollars  if  the  Tower  could  have  been 
taken  over  to  the  States,  and  exhibited  from  town  to  town — 
the    Star  and  Stripes  flying  over  it — with   a  four-horse 
lecture  to   describe  the  barbarity  of  the  ancient   British 
Barons  and  the  cuss  of  chivalry. 

Artemus    Ward's    Lecture    on    the    Mormons  at  tho 
Egyptian  Hall,  Piccadilly,  was  a  great  success.   His  humour 


INTRODUCTION,  BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON.       15 

was  so  entirely  fresh,  new,  and  unconventional,  it  took  his 
hearers  by  surprise,  and  charmed  them.  His  failing  health 
compelled  him  to  abandon  the  lecture  after  about  eight  or  ten 
weeks.  Indeed,  during  that  brief  period  he  was  once  or  twice 
compelled  to  dismiss  his  audience.  I  have  myself  seen  him 
sink  into  a  chair  and  nearly  faint  after  the  exertion  of  dressing. 
He  exhibited  the  greatest  anxiety  to  bo  at  his  post  at  the 
appointed  time,  and  scrupulously  exerted  himself  to  the 
utmost  to  entertain  his  auditors.  It  was  not  because  he 
was  sick  that  the  public  was  to  be  disappointed,  or  that 
their  enjoyment  was  to  be  diminished.  During  the  last  few 
weeks  of  his  lecture-giving,  he  steadily  abstained  from 
accepting  any  of  the  numerous  invitations  be  received.  Had 
he  lived  through  the  following  London  fashionable  season, 
there  is  little  doubt  that  the  room  at  the  Egyptian  Hall 
would  have  been  thronged  nightly.  Our  aristocracy  have  a 
fine  delicate  sense  of  humour,  and  the  success,  artistic  and 
pecuniary,  of  "  Artemus  Ward  "  would  have  rivalled  that 
of  the  famous  "  Lord  Dundreary."  There  were  many  stupid 
people  who  did  not  understand  the  "  fun  "  of  Artem 


16  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

Ward's  books.  In  their  vernacular  "  they  didn't  see  it." 
There  were  many  stupid  people  who  did  not  understand  the 
fun  of  Artemus  "Ward's  lecture  on  the  Mormons.  They 
could  not  see  it.  Highly  respectable  people — the  pride  of 
their  parish,  when  they  heard  of  a  lecture  "upon  the 
Mormons " — expected  to  see  a  solemn  person,  full  of  old 
saws  and  new  statistics,  who  would  denounce  the  sin  of 
polygamy — and  bray  against  polygamists  with  four-and- 
twenty  boiling- water  Baptist  power  of  denunciation.  These 
uncomfortable  Christians  do  not  like  humour.  They  dread 
it  as  a  certain  personage  is  said  to  dread  holy  water,  and  foi 
the  same  reason  that  thieves  fear  policemen — it  finds  them 
out.  When  these  good  idiots  heard  Artemus  offer,  if  they  die. 
not  like  the  lecture  in  Piccadilly,  to  give  them  free  tickets 
for  the  same  lecture  in  California,  when  he  next  visited  that 
country >  they  turned  to  each  other  indignantly,  and  said 
"  What  use  are  tickets  for  California  to  us  ?  We  are  not 
going  to  California.  No  !  we  are  too  good — too  respectablo 
to  go  so  far  from  home.  The  man  is  a  fool ! "  Oii6 
of  these  ornaments  of  the  vestry  complained  to  the  door 


INTRODUCTION  BY  T.  W.  ROUERTSON.       17 

keepers,  and  denounced  the  lecture  as  an  imposition — 
"  and,"  said  the  wealthy  parishioner,  "  as  for  the  panorama, 
it's  the  worst  painted  thing  I  ever  saw  in  all  my  life  !" 

But  the  Entertainment,  original,  humorous,  and  racy 
though  it  was,  was  drawing  to  a  close  !  In  the  fight  be 
tween  youth  and  death,  death  was  to  conquer.  By  medical 
advice  Charles  Browne  went  for  a  short  time  to  Jersey — 
but  the  breezes  of  Jersey  were  powerless.  He  wrote  to 
London  to  his  nearest  and  dearest  friends— the  members  of 
a  literary  club  of  which  he  was  a  member — to  complain 
that  his  "  loneliness  weighed  on  him."  He  was  brought 
back,  but  cculd  not  sustain  the  journey  farther  than  South 
ampton.  There  the  members  of  the  beforementioned  club 
travelled  from  London  to  see  him — two  at  a  time — that  he 

might  be  less  lonely — and  for  the  unwearying  solicitude  of 

t 

his  friend  and  agent,  Mr.  Hingston,  and  to  the  kindly  sym 
pathy  of  the  United  States  Consul  at  Southampton,  Charles 
Browne's  best  and  nearest  friends  had  cause  to  be  grateful. 
I  cannot  close  these  lines  without  mention  of  "  Artemus 


1 8  ARTEMUS  WARDS  LECTURE. 

"Ward's  "  last  joke.  lie  had  read  in  the  newspapers  that  a 
wealthy  American  had  offered  to  present  the  Prince  of 
Wales  with  a  splendid  yacht,  American  huilt. 

"  It  seems,"  said  the  invalid  "  a  fashion  now-a-days  for 
everybody  to  present  the  Prince  of  Wales  with  something. 
I  think  I  shall  leave  him — my  Panorama  !  " 

Charles  Browne  died  heloved  and  regretted  by  all  who 
knew  him,  and  by  many  who  had  known  him  but  a  few 
weeks ;  and  when  he  drew  his  last  breath  there  passed  away 
the  spirit  of  a  true  gentleman. 


T.  W.  ROBERTSON. 


LONDON, 

August  u,  1868. 


ARTEMUS  WARD  AS  A  .  LECTURER. 

PREFATORY  NOTE 
BY    EDWARD     P.    KINGSTON. 

TN  Cleveland,  Ohio,  the  pleasant  city  beside  the  lakes, 
Artemus  Ward  first  determined  to  become  a  public 
lecturer.  lie  and  I  rambled  through  Cleveland  together 
after  his  return  from  California.  He  called  on  some  old 
friends  at  the  Herald  office,  then  went  over  to  the  Weddel 
House,  and  afterwards  strolled  across  to  the  offices  of  the 
Plaindcalcr,  where,  in  his  position  as  sub-editor  he  had 
written  many  of  his  earlier  essays.  Artemus  inquired 
for  Mr.  Gray,  the  editor,  who  chanced  to  be  absent.  Look 
ing  round  at  the  vacant  desks  and  ink-stained  furniture, 
Artemus  was  silent  for  a  minute  or  two,  and  then  burst 
into  one  of  those  peculiar  chuckling  fits  of  laughter  in  which 
lie  would  occasionally  indulge;  not  a  loud  laugh,  but  a 


20  ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE. 

shaking  of  the  whole  body  with  an  impulse  of  merriment 
which  set  every  muscle  in  motion.  "  Here  " — said  he — 
"  here's  where  they  called  me  a  fool."  The  remembrance 
of  their  so  calling  him  seemed  to  afford  him  intense 
amusement. 

From  the  office  of  the  Cleveland  PMndeakr  we  continued 
our  tour  of  the  town.  Presently  we  found  ourselves  in  front 
of  Perry's  statue,  the  monument  erected  to  commemorate 
the  naval  engagement  on  Lake  Erie,  wherein  the  Americans 
came  off  victorious.  Artemus  looked  up  to  the  statue,  laid 
his  finger  to  the  side  of  his  nose,  and  in  his  quaint  manner 
remarked,  "  I  wonder  whether  they  called  him  '  a  fool '  too, 
when  he  went  to  fight  ?" 

The  remark,  following  close  as  it  did  upon  his  laughing 
fit  in  the  newspaper  office,  caused  me  to  inquire  why  he  had 
been  called  "  a  fool/'  and  who  had  called  him  so. 

"  It  was  the  opinion  of  my  friends  on  the  paper,"  he 
replied ;  "  I  told  thorn  that  I  was  going  in  for  lecturing. 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.    21 

They  laughed  at  me  and  called  me  « a  fool.'     Don't  you 
think  they  were  right  ?  " 

Then  we  sauntered  up  Euclid  Street,  under  the  shade  of 
its  avenue  of  trees.  As  we  went  along,  Artemus  Ward 
recounted  to  me  the  story  of  his  becoming  a  lecturer.  Our 
conversation  on  that  agreeable  evening  is  fresh  in  my  re 
membrance.  Memory  still  listens  to  the  voice  of  my  companion 
in  the  stroll,  still  sees  the  green  trees  of  Euclid  Street  casting 
their  shadows  across  our  path,  and  still  joins  in  the  laugh 
with  Artemus,  who,  having  just  returned  from  California, 
where  he  had  taken  1GOO  dollars  at  one  lecture,  did  not 
think  that  to  be  evidence  of  his  having  lost  his  senses. 

The  substance  of  that  which  Artemus  Ward  then  told 
me,  was  that  while  writing  for  the  Cleveland  Plaindealer 
he  was  accustomed,  in  the  discharge  of  his  duties  as  a 
reporter,  to  attend  the  performances  of  the  various  minstrel 
troupes  and  circuses  which  visited  the  neighbourhood.  At 
one  of  these  he  would  hear  some  story  of  his  own,  written  a 
month  or  two  previously,  given  by  the  "  middle-man  "  of 


22  ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE. 

the  minstrels  and  received  with  hilarity  by  the  audience. 
At  another  place  he  would  be  entertained  by  listening  to 
jokes  of  his  own  invention,  coarsely  retailed  by  the  clown  of 
the  ring  and  shouted  at  by  the  public  as  capital  waggery  on 
the  part  of  the  performer.  His  own  good  things  from  the 
lips  of  another  "came  back  to  him  with  alienated  majesty" 
as  Emerson  expresses  it.  Then  the  thought  would  steal 
over  him — why  should  that  man  gain  a  living  with  my 
witticisms,  and  I  not  use  them  in  the  same  way  myself? 
why  not  be  the  uttercr  of  my  o,vn  coinage,  the  quoter  of  my 
own  jests,  the  mouth-piece  of  my  own  merry  conceits? 
Certainly  it  was  not  a  very  exalted  ambition,  to  aim  at  the 
glories  of  a  circus-clown  or  the  triumphs  of  a  minstrel  with 
a  blackened  face.  But,  m  the  United  States  a  somewhat 
different  view  is  taken  of  that  which  is  fitting  and  seemly 
for  a  man  to  do,  compared  with  the  estimate  we  form  in  this 
country.  In  a  land  where  the  theory  of  caste  is  not 
admitted,  the  relative  respectability  of  the  various  profession 
is  not  quite  the  same  as  it  with  us.  There  the  profession 
does  not  disqualify  if  the  man  himself  be  right,  nor  the 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  KINGSTON.    23 

claim  to  the  title  of  gentleman  depend  upon  the  avocation 
followed.  I  know  of  one  or  two  clowns  in  the  ring  who 
are  educated  physicians,  and  not  thought  to  be  any  the 
less  gentleman  because  they  propound  conundrums  and 
perpetrate  jests  instead  of  prescribing  pills  and  potions. 

Artemus  Ward  was  always  very  self-reliant ;  when  once 
he  believed  himself  to  be  in  the  right  it  was  almost  im- 
posssible  to  persuade  him  to  the  contrary.  But,  at  the 
same  time  he  was  cautious  in  the  extreme,  and  would  well 
consider  his  position  before  deciding  that  which  was  right 
or  wrong  for  him  to  do.  The  idea  of  becoming  a  public  man 
having  taken  possession  of  his  mind,  the  next  point  to 
decide  was  in  what  form  he  should  appear  before  the  public. 
That  of  a  humorous  lecturer  seemed  to  him  to  be  the  best. 
It  was  unoccupied  ground.  America  had  produced  enter 
tainers  who  by  means  of  facial  changes  or  eccentricities  of 
costume  had  contrived  to  amuse  their  audiences,  but  there 
was  no  one  who  ventured  to  joke  for  an  hour  before  a  house 
full  of  people  with  no  aid  from  scenery  or  dress.  The 


24  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

experiment  was  one  which  Artemus  resolved  to  try. 
Accordingly,  he  set  himself  to  work  to  collect  all  his  best 
quips  and  cranks,  to  invent  what  new  drolleries  he  could, 
and  to  remember  all  the  good  things  that  he  had  heard  or 
met  with.  These  he  noted  down  and  strung  together  almost 
without  relevancy  or  connection.  The  manuscript  chanced 
to  fall  into  the  hands  of  the  people  at  the  office  of  the 
newspaper  on  which  he  was  then  employed,  and  the  question 
was  put  to  him  of  what  use  he  was  going  to  make  of  the 
strange  jumble  of  jest  which  he  had  thus  compiled.  His 
answer  was  that  he  was  about  to  turn  lecturer,  and  that 
before  them  were  the  materials  of  his  lecture.  It  was  then 
that  his  friends  laughed  at  him,  and  characterised  him  as 
"a  fool." 

"  They  had  some  right  to  think  so,"  said  Artemus  to  me 
as  we  rambled  up  Euclid  Street.  "  I  half  thought  that  I 
was  one  myself.  I  don't  look  like  a  lecturer — do  I  ?" 

He  was  always  fond,  poor  fellow,  of  joking  on  the  subject 
of  his  personal  appearance.  His  spare  figure  and  tall  stature, 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.      25 

nin  prominent  nose  and  his  light-coloured  hair  were  each 
made  the  subject  of  a  joke  at  one  time  or  another  in  the 
course  of  his  lecturing  career.  If  he  laughed  largely  at  the 
foibles  of  others,  he  was  equally  disposed  to  laugh  at  any 
shortcomings  he  could  detect  in  himself.  If  anything  at  all 
in  his  outward  form  was  to  him  a  source  of  vanity,  it  was 
the  delicate  formation  of  his  hands.  White,  soft,  long, 
slender,  and  really  handsome,  they  were  more  like  the  hands 
of  a  high-born  lady  than  those  of  a  western  editor.  Ho 
attended  to  them  with  careful  pride,  and  never  alluded  to 
them  as  a  subject  for  his  jokes,  until,  in  his  last  illness  they 
had  become  unnaturally  fair,  translucent,  and  attenuated. 
Then  it  was  that  a  friend  calling  upon  him  at  his  apart 
ments  in  Piccadilly,  endeavoured  to  cheer  him  at  a  time  of 
great  mental  depression,  and  pleasantly  reminded  him  of  a 
ride  they  had  long  ago  projected  through  the  south-western 
states  of  the  Union.  "  \Ve  must  do  that  ride  yet,  Artemus. 
Short  stages  at  first,  and  longer  ones  as  we  go  on."  Poor 
Artemus  lifted  up  his  pale,  slender  hands,  and  letting  the 
light  shine  through  them,  said  jocosely,  "  Do  you  think  these 


26  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

would  do  to  hold  a  rein  with  ?    Why,  the  horse  would  laugh 


at  them." 

Having  collected  a  sufficient  numhcr  of  quaint  thoughts, 
whimsical  fancies,  bizarre  notions,  and  ludicrous  anecdotes, 
the  difficulty  which  then,  according  to  his  own  confession, 
occurred  to  Artemus  Ward  was,  what  should  he  the  title  of 
his  lecture.  The  subject  was  no  difficulty  at  all,  for  the 
simple  reason  that  there  was  not  to  be  any.  The  idea  of 
instructing  or  informing  his  audience  never  once  entered  into 
his  plans.  His  intention  was  merely  to  amuse ;  if  possible 
keep  the  house  in  continuous  laughter  for  an  hour  and-a- 
half,  or  rather  an  hour  and  twenty  minutes,  for  that  was  tho 
precise  time,  in  his  belief,  which  people  could  sit  to  listen 
and  to  laugh  without  becoming  bored  ;  and,  if  possible,  send 
his  audience  home  well  pleased  with  the  lecturer  and  with 
themselves,  without  their  having  any  clear  idea  of  that 
which  they  had  been  listening  to,  and  not  one  jot  the  wiser 
than  when  they  came.  No  one  better  understood  than 
Artemus  the  wants  of  a  miscellaneous  audience  who  paid 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.      27 

their  dollar  or  half-dollar  each  to  bo  amused.  !N"o  one  could 
gauge  better  than  he  the  capacity  of  the  crowd  to  feed  on 
pure  fun,  and  no  one  could  discriminate  more  clearly  than 
he  the  fitness,  temper,  and  mental  appetite  of  the  consti 
tuents  of  his  evening  assemblies.  The  prosincss  of  an 
ordinary  Mechanics'  Institute  lecture  was  to  him  simply 
abhorrent,  the  learned  platitudes  of  a  professed  lecturer  were 
to  him,  to  use  one  of  his  own  phrases,  "  worse  than  poison." 
To  make  people  laugh  was  to  be  his  primary  endeavour.  If  in 
so  making  them  laugh  he  could  also  cause  them  to  see 
through  a  sham,  be  ashamed  of  some  silly  national  pre 
judice  or  suspicions  of  the  value  of  some  current  piece  of 
political  bunkum,  so  much  the  better.  He  believed  in 
laughter  as  thoroughly  wholesome,  he  had  the  firmest  con 
viction  that  fun  is  healthy,  and  sportiveness  the  truest  sign 
of  sanity.  Like  Talleyrand,  he  was  of  opinion  that,  "  Qui 
vit  sansfolie  riest  pas  si  sage  qu'il  croit" 

Artemus  Ward's  first  lecture  was  entitled  "  The  Babes  in 
the  Wood."      I  asked  him  why  he  chose  that  title,  because 


28  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

there  was  nothing  whatever  in  the  lecture  relevant  to  the 
suhject  of  the  child-book  legend.      He  replied,  "  It  seemed 
to  sound  the  best.     I  once  thought  of  calling  the  lecture 
*  My  Seven  Grandmothers.'     Don't  you  think  that  would 
have  been  good  ?"      It  would  at  any  rate  have  been  just  a& 
pertinent.     Incongruity  as  an  element  of  fun  was  always,  an 
idea  uppermost  in  the  mind  of  the  western  humorist.     I  am 
not  aware  that  the  notes  of  any  of  his  lectures,  except  those 
of  his  Mormon  experience,  have  been  preserved,  and  I  have 
some  doubts  if  any  one  of  his  lectures,  except  the  Mormon 
one,  was  ever  fairly  written  out.    " The  Babes  in  the  Wood  " 
as  a  lecture  was  a  pure  and  unmitigated  "  sell."     It  was 
merely  joke  after  joke,  and  drollery  succeeding  to  drollery, 
without  any  connecting  thread  whatever.    It  was  an  exhibi 
tion  of  fireworks,  owing  half  its  brilliancy  and  more  than 
half  its  effect  to  the  skill  of  the  man  who  grouped  the  fire 
works  together  and  let  them  off.     In  the  hands  of  any  other 
pyrotechnist  the  squibs    would   have  failed  to  light,  the 
rockets  would  have   ^fused  to    ascend,   and  the  "nine- 
bangers"   would  have  exploded  but  once  or  twice  only, 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  KINGSTON.      29 

instead  of  nine  times.  The  artist  of  the  display  being  no 
more,  and  the  fireworks  themselves  having  gone  out,  it  is 
perhaps  not  to  be  regretted  that  the  cases  of  the  squibs  and 
the  tubes  of  the  rockets  have  not  been  carefully  kept.  Most 
of  the  good  things  introduced  by  Artemus  Ward  in  his  first 
lecture  were  afterwards  incorporated  by  him  in  subsequent 
writings,  or  used  over  again  in  his  later  entertainment. 
Many  of  them  had  reference  to  the  events  of  the  day,  the 
circumstances  of  the  American  "War  and  the  politics  of  the 
Great  Rebellion.  These  of  course  have  lost  their  interest 
with  the  passing  away  of  the  times  which  gave  them 
birth.  The  points  of  many  of  the  jokes  have  corroded, 
and  the  barbed  head  of  many  an  arrow  of  Artemus's  wit  has 
rusted  into  bluntness  with  the  decay  of  the  bow  from  which 
it  was  propelled. 

If  I  remember  rightly,  the  "Babes  in  the  "Wood  "  were 
never  mentioned  more  than  twice  in  the  whole  lecture. 
First,  when  the  lecturer  told  his  audience  that  the  "  Babes  " 
were  to  constitute  the  subject  of  his  discourse,  and  then 


30  ARTEMUS  WAR&S  LECTURE. 

digressed  immediately  to  matters  quite  foreign  to  the  story. 
Then  again  at  the  conclusion  of  the  hour  and  twenty 
minutes  of  drollery,  when  he  finished  up  in  this  way :  "  I 
now  come  to  my  subject — 'The  Babes  in  the  Wood.'" 
Here  he  would  take  out  his  watch,  look  at  it  with  affected 
surprise,  put  on  an  appearance  of  being  greatly  perplexed, 
and  amidst  roars  of  laughter  from  the  people,  very  gravely 
continue,  "But  I  find  that  I  have  exceeded  my  time,  and 
will  therefore  merely  remark  that  so  far  as  I  know  they 
were  very  good  babes — they  were  as  good  as  ordinary  babes. 
I  really  have  not  time  to  go  into  their  history.  You  will 
find  it  all  in  the  story-books.  They  died  in  the  woods, 
listening  to  the  woodpecker  tapping  the  hollow  beech-tree. 
It  was  a  sad  fate  for  them,  and  I  pity  them.  So,  I  hope, 
do  you.  Good  night !" 

Artemus  gave  his  first  lecture  at  Norwich  in  Connecticut, 
and  travelled  over  a  considerable  portion  of  the  Eastern 
States  before  he  ventured  to  give  a  sample  of  his  droll 
oratory  in  the  Western  Cities,  wherein  he  had  earned  re 
putation  as  a  journalist.  Gradually  his  popularity  became- 


i 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.      31 

very  great,  and  in  place  of  letting  himself  out  at  so  much 
per  night  to  literary  societies  and  athenaeums,  he  constituted 
himself  his  own  showman,  engaging  that  indispensable 
adjunct  to  all  showmen  in  the  United  States,  an  agent  to 
go  ahead,  engage  halls,  arrange  for  the  sale  of  tickets,  and 
engineer  the  success  of  the  show.  Newspapers  had  carried 
his  name  to  every  village  of  the  Union,  and  his  writings  had 
been  largely  quoted  in  every  journal.  It  required,  there 
fore,  comparatively  little  advertising  to  announce  his  visit 
to  any  place  in  which  he  had  to  lecture.  But  it  was  neces 
sary  that  he  should  have  a  bill  or  poster  of  some  kind.  The 
one  he  adopted  was  simple,  quaint,  striking,  and  well 
adapted  to  the  purpose.  It  was  merely  one  large  sheet, 
with  a  black  ground,  and  the  letters  cut  out  in  the  block,  so 
as  to  print  white.  The  reading  was  "ARTEMUS  WARD 
WILL  SPEAK  A  PIECE."  To  the  American  mind  this  was 
intensely  funny  from  its  childish  absurdity.  It  is  customary 
in  the  States  for  children  to  speak  or  recite  "  a  piece  "  at 
school  at  the  annual  examination,  and  the  phrase  is  used 
just  in  the  same  sense  as  in  England  we  say  "  a  Christmas 


32  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

piece."  The  professed  subject  of  the  lecture  being  that  of 
a  story  families  to  children,  harmonized  well  with  the  droll 
placard  which  announced  its  delivery.  The  place  and  time 
were  notified  on  a  slip  pasted  beneath.  To  emerge  from  tho 
dull  depths  of  lyceum  committees  and  launch  out  as  a  show 
man-lecturer  on  his  own  responsibility  was  something  both 
novel  and  bold  for  Artemus  to  do.  In  the  majority  of  in 
stances  he  or  his  agent  met  with  speculators  who  were  ready 
to  engage  him  for  so  many  lectures,  and  secure  to  tho 
lecturer  a  certain  fixed  sum.  But  in  his  later  transactions 
Artemus  would  have  nothing  to  do  with  them,  much  pre 
ferring  to  undertake  all  the  risk  liimself.  The  last  speculator 
to  whom  he  sold  himself  for  a  tour  was,  I  believe,  Mr. 
Wilder,  of  New  York  City,  who  realized  a  large  profit  by 
investing  in  lecturing  stock,  and  who  was  always  ready  to 
engage  a  circus,  a  wild-beast  show,  or  a  lecturing  celebrity. 

As  a  rule,  Artemus  Ward  succeeded  in  pleasing  every 
one  in  his  audience,  especially  those  who  understood  the 
character  of  the  man  and  the  drift  of  his  lecture ;  but  there 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  KINGSTON.      33 

were  not  wanting  at  any  of  his  lectures  a  few  obtuse-minded, 
slowly-perceptive,  drowsy-headed  dullards,  who  had  not  the 
remotest  idea  what  the  entertainer  was  talking  about,  nor 
why  those  around  him  indulged  in  laughter.  Artemus  was 
quick  to  detect  these  little  spots  upon  the  sunny  face  of  his 
auditory.  lie  would  pick  them  out,  address  himself  at  times 
to  them  especially,  and  enjoy  the  bewilderment  of  his 
Boootian  patrons.  Sometimes  a  stolid  inhabitant  of  central 
New  York,  evidently  of  Dutch  extraction,  would  regard 
him  with  an  open  stare  expressive  of  a  desire  to  enjoy  that 
which  was  said  if  the  point  of  the  joke  could  by  any  possi 
bility  be  indicated  to  him.  At  other  times  a  demure 
Pennsylvania  Quaker  would  benignly  survey  the  poor 
lecturer  with  a  look  of  benevolent  pity,  and,  on  one  occasion, 
when  my  friend  was  lecturing  at  Peoria,  an  elderly  lady, 
accompanied  by  her  two  daughters,  left  the  room  in  the 
midst  of  the  lecture,  exclaiming,  as  she  passed  me  at  the 
door,  "  It  is  too  bad  of  people  to  laugh  at  a  poor  young  man 
who  doesn't  know  what  he  is  saying  and  ought  to  be  sent  to 
a  lunatic  asylum !" 


34.  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

The  newspaper  reporters  were  invariably  puzzled  in 
attempting  to  give  any  correct  idea  of  a  lecture  by  Artemus 
Ward.  No  report  could  fairly  convey  an  idea  of  tbe 
entertainment,  and  being  fully  aware  of  this,  Artemus  would 
instruct  his  agent  to  beg  of  the  papers  not  to  attempt  giving 
any  abstract  of  that  which  he  said.  The  following  is  the 
way  in  which  the  reporter  of  the  Golden  Era,  at  San 
Francisco,  California,  endeavoured  to  inform  the  San 
Franciscan  public  of  the  character  of  "  The  Babes  in  the 
"Wood"  lecture.  It  is,  as  the  reader  will  perceive,  a 
burlesque  on  the  way  in  which  Artemus  himself  dealt  with 
the  topic  he  had  chosen ;  while  it  also  notes  one  or  two  of 
the  salient  features  of  my  friend's  style  of  lecturing  :— 

"  HOW  ARTEMUS  WARD   '  SPOKE  A  PIECE.'  " 

"Artemus  has  arrived.  Artcmus  has  spoken.  Artemus  haa 
triumphed.  Great  is  Artemus ! 

"  Great  also  is  Plate's  Hall.  But  Artemus  is  greater;  for  tho 
hall  proved  too  small  for  his  audience,  and  too  circumscribed  for 
tho  immensity  of  his  jokes.  A  man  who  has  drank  twenty  bottles 
•  1'  wine  may  be  called  '  fall.'  A  pint  bottle  with  a  quart  of  water 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON,      35 

in  it  would  also  be  accounted  full ;  and  so  would  an  hotel  be,  every 
bed  in  it  let  three  times  over  on  the  same  night  to  three  diCerent 
occupants,  but  none  of  these  would  be  so  full  as  Platt's  ILall  was 
on  Friday  night  to  hear  Artemus  Ward  '  speak  a  piece.' 

"The  piece  selected  was  'The  Babes  in  the  Wood,'  which 
reminds  us  that  Mr.  Ward  is  a  tall,  slender-built,  fair-com- 
plexioned,  jovial-looking  gentleman  of  about  twenty-seven  years 
of  age.  He  has  a  pleasant  manner,  an  agreeable  style,  and  a  clear, 
distinct,  and  powerful  voice. 

"  « The  Babes  in  the  Wood '  is  a  '  comic  oration,'  with  a  most 
comprehensive  grasp  of  subject.  As  spoken  by  its  witty  author,  it 
elicited  gusts  of  laughter  and  whirlwinds  of  applause.  Mr.  Ward 
is  no  prosy  lyceum  lecturer.  His  stylo  is  neither  scientific, 
didactic,  or  philosophical.  It  is  simply  that  of  a  man  who  is 
brimful  of  mirth,  wit  and  satire,  and  who  is  compelled  to  let  it  flow 
forth.  Maintaining  a  very  grave  countenance  himself,  he  plays 
upon  the  muscles  of  other  people's  faces  as  though  they  were  piano- 
strings  and  ho  the  prince  of  pianists. 

4 'The  story  of  'The  Babes  in  the  Wood*  is  interesting  in  tho 
extreme.  We  would  say,  en  passant,  however,  that  Artemus  Ward 
is  a  perfect  steam  factory  of  puns  and  a  museum  of  American 
humour.  Humanity  seems  to  him  to  bo  a  vast  mine,  out  of  which 
he  digs  tons  of  fan ;  and  life  a  huge  forest,  in  which  ho  can  cut 
down  '  cords '  of  comicality.  Language  with  him  is  like  the  brass 
balls  with  which  tho  juggler  amuses  us  at  tho  circus — ever  being 


36  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

tossed  up,  over  glittering,  ever  thrown  about  at  pleasure.  We 
intended  to  report  his  lecture  at  full,  but  we  laughed  till  we  split 
our  lead  pencil  and  our  short-hand  symbols  were  too  infused  with 
merriment  to  remain  steady  on  the  paper.  However,  let  us  pro 
ceed  to  give  an  idea  of  '  The  Babes  in  the  Wood.'  In  the  first 
place  it  is  a  comic  oration ;  that  is,  ic  is  spoken,  is  exuberant  in 
fun,  felicitous  in  fancy,  teeming  with  jokes,  and  sparkling  as  bright 
waters  on  a  sunny  day.  The  '  Babes  in  the  Wood '  is— that  is,  it 
isn't  a  lecture  or  an  oratorical  effort;  it  is  something  sui  generis; 
something  reserved  for  our  day  and  generation,  which  it  would 
never  have  done  for  our  forefathers  to  have  known,  or  they  would 
have  been  too  mirthful  to  have  attended  to  the  business  of  preparing 
the  world  for  our  coming ;  and  something  which  will  provoke  so 
much  laughter  in  our  time,  that  the  echo  of  the  laughs  will  rever 
berate  along  the  halls  of  futurity  and  seriously  affect  the  nerves  of 
future  generations. 

"  The  'Babes  in  the  Wood'  to  describe  it,  is— Well,  those  who 
listened  to  it  know  best.  At  any  rate  they  will  acknowledge  with 
us  that  it  was  a  great  success;  and  that  Artemus  Ward  has  a 
fortune  before  him  in  California. 

"  And  now  to  tell  the  story  of  <  The  Babes  in  the  Wood  '—But  we 
will  not,  for  the  hall  was  not  half  large  enough  to  accommodate 
those  who  came ;  consequently  Mr.  Ward  will  tell  it  over  again  at 
the  Metropolitan  Theatre  next  Tuesday  evening.  The  subject  will 
again  be  '  The  Babes  in  the  Wood.' " 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  KINGSTON.      37 

Having  travelled  over  the  Union  with  "  The  Babes  in  the 
Wood  "  lecture,  and  left  his  audiences  everywhere  fully  "  in 
the  wood  "  as  regarded  the  subject  announced  in  the  title, 
Artemus  Ward  became  desirous  of  going  over  the  same 
ground  again.  There  were  not  wanting  dreary  and  timid 
prophets  who  told  him  that  having  "  sold  "  his  audiences 
once,  he  would  not  succeed  in  gaining  large  houses  a  second 
time.  But  the  faith  of  Artemus  in  the  unsuspecting  nature 
of  the  public  was  very  large,  so  with  fearless  intrepidity  he 
conceived  the  happy  thought  of  inventing  a  new  title,  but 
keeping  to  the  same  old  lecture,  interspersing  it  here  and 
there  with  a  few  fresh  jokes,  incidental  to  new  topics  of  the 
times.  Just  at  this  period  General  McClellan  was  advanc 
ing  on  Richmond,  and  the  celebrated  fight  at  Bull's  Run 
had  become  matter  of  history.  The  forcible  abolition  of 
slavery  had  obtained  a  place  among  the  debates  of  the  day, 
Ilinton  Rowan  Helper's  book  on  "  The  Inevitable  Crisis  " 
had  been  sold  at  every  bookstall,  and  the  future  of  the  negro 
had  risen  into  the  position  of  being  the  great  point  of  dis 
cussion  throughout  the  land.  Artemus  required  a  very 


33  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

slender  thread  to  string  his  jokes  upon,  and  what  better  ono 
could  be  found  than  that  which  he  chose  ?     lie  advertised 
the  title  of  his  next  lecture  as  "  Sixty  Minutes  in  Africa." 
I  need  scarcely  say  that  he  had  never  been  in  Africa,  and 
in  all  probability  had  never  read  a  book  on  African  travel. 
He  knew  nothing  about  it,  and  that  was  the  very  reason  ho 
should  choose  Africa  for  his  subject.     I  believe  that  he 
carried  out  the  joke  so  far  as  to  have  a  map  made  of  the 
African  continent,  and  that  on  a  few  occasions,  but  not  on 
all,  he  had  it  suspended  in  the  lecture -room.     It  was  in 
Philadelphia  and  at  the  Musical  Fund  Hall  in  Locust  Street 
that  I  first  heard  him  deliver  what  he  jocularly  phrased  to 
me   as   "My   African  Bevelation."      The  hall  was  very 
thronged,  the  audience  must  have  exceeded  two  thousand  in 
number,  and  the  evening  was  unusually  warm.  Artemus  came 
on  the  rostrum  with  a  roll  of  paper  in  his  hands,  and  used 
it  to  play  with  throughout  the  lecture,  just  as  recently  at  the 
Egyptian  Hall,  while  lecturing  on  the   Mormons,  he  in 
variably  made  use  of  a  lady's  riding- whip  for  the  same 
purpose.     He  commenced  his  lecture  thus,  speaking  very 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.      39 

gravely  and  with  long  pauses  between  his  sentences,  allow 
ing  his  audience  to  laugh  if  they  pleased,  but  seeming  to 
utterly  disregard  their  laughter. 

"  I  have  invited  you  to  listen  to  a  discourse  upon  Africa. 
Africa  is  my  subject.  It  is  a  very  large  subject.  It  has 
the  Atlantic  Ocean  on  its  left  side,  the  Indian  Ocean  on  its 
right,  and  more  water  than  you  could  measure  out  at  its 
smaller  end.  Africa  produces  blacks— ivory  blacks— they 
get  ivory.  It  also  produces  deserts,  and  that  is  the  reason 
it  is  so  much  deserted  by  travellers.  Africa  is  famed  for  its 
roses.  It  has  the  red  rose,  the  white  rose,  and  the  neg-rose. 
Apropos  of  negroes,  let  me  tell  you  a  little  story." 

Then  he  at  once  diverged  from  the  subject  of  Africa  to 

ctail  to  his  audience  his  amusing  story  of  the  Conversion  of  a 

cgro,  which  he  subsequently  worked  up  into  an  article  in  the 

Savage  Club  Papers,  and  entitled  "  Converting  the  Nigger" 

Never  once  again  in  the  course  of  the  lecture  did  he  refer  to 

Africa,  until  the  time  having  arrived  for  him  to  conclude, 

and  the  people  being  fairly  worn  out  with  laughter,  he 


4o  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

finished  up  by  saying,  "  Africa,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  my 
subject.  You  wish  me  to  tell  you  something  about  Africa. 
Africa  is  on  the  map — -it  is  on  all  the  maps  of  Africa  that  I 
have  ever  seen.  You  may  buy  a  good  map  for  a  dollar,  and 
if  you  study  it  well,  you  will  know  more  about  Africa  than  I 
do.  It  is  a  comprehensive  subject,  too  vast,  I  assure  you, 
tor  me  to  enter  upon  to-night.  You  would  not  wish  me  to, 
I  feel  that — I  feel  it  deeply,  and  I  am  very  sensitive.  If 
you  go  home  and  go  to  bed  it  will  be  better  for  you  than  to 
go  with  me  to  Africa." 

The  joke  about  the  "  neg-rose  "  has  since  run  the  gauntlet 
of  nearly  all  the  minstrel  bands  throughout  England  and 
America.  All  the  "  bones,"  every  "  middle-man,"  and  all 
"  end-men  "  of  the  burnt-cork  profession  have  used  Artemus 
Ward  as  a  mine  wherein  to  dig  for  the  ore  which  provokes 
laughter.  He  has  been  the  "  cause  of  wit  in  others,"  and 
the  bread-winner  for  many  dozens  of  black-face  songsters — 
"  sin  gists  "  as  he  used  to  term  them.  He  was  just  as  fond 
of  visiting  their  entertainments  as  they  were  of  appropriating 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.     41 

Lis  iokes ;  and  amon<?  his  best  friends  in  Now  York  were  the 
brothers  Messrs.  JSTeil  and  Dan  Bryant,  who  have  made  a 
fortune  by  what  has  been  facetiously  termed — "  the  burnt- 
cork-opera." 

It  was  in  his  "  Sixty  Minutes  in  Africa  "  lecture  that 
Artcmus  Ward  first  introduced  his  celebrated  satire  on  the 
negro,  which  he  subsequently  put  into  print.  "The 
African,"  said  he,  "  may  be  our  brother.  Several  highly 
respectable  gentlemen  and  some  talented  females  tell  me 
that  he  is,  and  for  argument's  sake  I  might  be  induced  to 
grant  it,  though  I  don't  believe  it  myself.  But  the  African 
isn't  our  sister,  and  wife,  and  uncle.  He  isn't  several  of  our 
brothers  and  first  wife's  relations.  He  isn't  our  grandfather 
and  great  grandfather,  and  our  aunt  in  the  country. 
Scarcely." 

It  may  easily  be  imagined  how  popular  this  joke  became 
when  it  is  remembered  that  it  was  first  perpetrated  at  a 
time  when  the  negro  question  was  so  much  debated  as  to 


4»  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

have  "become  an  absolute  nuisance.  Nothing  else  was  talked 
of;  nobody  would  talk  of  anything  but  the  negro.  The 
saying  arose  that  all  Americans  had  "nigger-on-the-brain." 
The  topic  had  become  nauseous,  especially  to  the  Democratic 
party  ;  and  Artemus  always  had  more  friends  among  them 
than  among  the  Republicans.  If  he  had  any  politics  at  all 
he  was  certainly  a  Democrat. 

War  had  arisen,  the  South  was  closed,  and  the  lecturing 
arena  considerably  lessened.  Artemus  Ward  determined 
to  go  to  California.  Before  starting  for  that  side  of  the 
American  continent,  he  wished  to  appear  in  the  city  of 
New  York.  He  engaged,  through  his  friend  Mr.  De  Walden, 
the  large  hall  then  known  as  Niblo's,  in  front  of  the  Niblo's 
Garden  Theatre,  and  now  used,  I  believe,  as  the  dining- 
room  of  the  Metropolitan  Hotel.  At  that  period  Pepper's 
Ghost  chanced  to  be  the  great  novelty  of  New  York  City, 
and  Artemus  Ward  was  casting  about  for  a  novel  title  to 
his  old  lecture.  "Whether  he  or  Mr.  De  Walden  selected 
that  of  "Artemus  Ward's  Struggle  with  a  Ghost"  I  do 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  KINGSTON.      43 

not  know  ;  but  I  think  that  it  was  Mr.  Do  Walden's  choice. 
The  title  was  seasonable  and  the  lecture  successful.  Then 
came  the  tour  to  California,  whither  I  proceeded  in  advance 
to  warn  the  miners  on  the  Yuba,  the  travellers  on  tho 
Rio  Sacramento,  and  the  citizens  of  the  Chrysopolis  of  tho 
Pacific  that  "A.  Ward"  would  be  there  shortly.  In 
California  the  lecture  was  advertised  under  its  old  name  of 
"  The  Babes  in  the  Wood."  Platt's  Hall  was  selected  for 
tho  scene  of  operation,  and,  so  popular  was  the  lecturer,  that 
on  the  first  night  we  took  at  the  doors  more  than  sixteen 
hundred  dollars  in  gold.  The  crowd  proved  too  great  to 
take  money  in  tho  ordinary  manner,  and  hats  were  used  for 
people  to  throw  their  dollars  in.  One  hat  broke  through  at 
the  crown.  I  doubt  if  we  ever  knew  to  a  dollar  how  many 
dollars  it  once  contained. 

California  was  duly  travelled  over,  and  "Tho  Labcs 
in  the  "Wood  "  listened  to  with  laughter  in  its  flourishing 
cities,  its  mining-camps  among  the  mountains,  and  its  "new 
placers"  beside  gold-bedded  rivers.  While  journeying 


44.  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

through  that  strangely-beautiful  land,  the  serious  question 
arose— What  was  to  bo  done  next?  After  California— 
•where  ? 

Before  leaving  New  York,  it  had  been  a  favourite  scheme 
of  Artemus  "Ward  not  to  return  from  California  to  the  East 
by  way  of  Panama,  but  to  come  home  across  the  Plains,  and 
to  visit  Salt  Lake  City  by  the  way.  The  difficulty  that  now 
presented  itself  was,  that  winter  was  close  upon  us,  and  that 
it  was  no  pleasant  thing  to  cross  the  Sierra  Nevada  and 
scale  the  Rocky  Mountains  with  the  thermometer  far  below 
freezing  point.  Nor  was  poor  Artemus  even  at  that  time  a 
strong  man.  My  advice  was  to  return  to  Panama,  visit  the 
West  India  Islands,  and  come  back  to  California  in  the 
spring,  lecture  again  in  San  Francisco,  and  then  go  on  to 
the  land  of  the  Mormons.  Artemus  doubted  the  feasibility 
of  this  plan,  and  the  decision  was  ultimately  arrived  at  to 
try  the  journey  to  Salt  Lake.  Unfortunately  the  .winter 
turned  out  to  be  one  of  the  severest.  When  we  arrived  at 
Salt  Lake  City,  my  poor  friend  was  seized  with  typhoid 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  KINGSTON.      45 

fever,  resulting  from  the  fatigue  we  had  undergone,  the 
intense  cold  to  which  we  had  been  subjected,  and  the  excite 
ment  of  being  on  a  journey  of  3,500  miles  across  the  North 
American  Continent,  when  the  Pacific  Railway  had  made 
little  progress  and  the  Indians  were  reported  not  to  be  very 
friendly. 

The  story  of  the  trip  is  told  in  Artemus  Ward's  lecture. 
I  have  added  to  it,  at  the  special  request  of  the  publisher,  a 
few  explanatory  notes,  the  purport  of  which  is  to  render  the 
reader  acquainted  with  the  characteristics  of  the  lecturer's 
delivery.  For  the  benefit  of  those  who  never  had  an  oppor 
tunity  of  seeing  Artemus  "Ward  nor  of  hearing  him  lecture, 
I  may  be  pardoned  for  attempting  to  describe  the  man, 
himself. 

In  stature  he  was  tall,  in  figure,  slender.  At  any  time 
during  our  acquaintance  his  height  must  have  been  dis 
proportionate  to  his  weight.  Like  his  brother  Cyrus,  who 
died  a  few  years  before  him,  Charles  F.  Browne,  our 


46  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

"  Artcmus  "Ward,"  had  the  premonitory  signs  of  a  short 
life  strongly  evident  in  his  early  manhood.  There  were 
the  lank  form,  the  long  pale  fingers,  the  very  white  pearly 
teeth,  the  thin,  fine,  soft  hair,  the  undue  brightness  oi  the 
eyes,  the  excitable  and  even  irritable  disposition,  the 
capricious  appetite,  and  the  alternately  jubilant  and  de 
spondent  tone  of  mind  which  too  frequently  indicate  that 
"  the  abhorred  fury  with  the  shears  "  is  waiting  too  near  at 
hand  to  "  slit  the  thin-spun  life."  His  hair  was  very  light- 
coloured,  and  not  naturally  curly.  He  used  to  joke  in  his 
lecture  about  what  it  cost  him  to  keep  it  curled ;  he  wore  a 
very  large  moustache  without  any  beard  or  whiskers  ;  his 
nose  was  exceedingly  prominent,  having  an  outline  not  un 
like  that  of  the  late  Sir  Charles  Napier.  His  forehead  was 
large,  with,  to  use  the  language  of  the  phrenologists,  the 
organs  of  the  perceptive  faculties  far  more  developed  than 
those  of  the  imaginative  powers.  lie  had  the  manner  and 
bearing  of  a  naturally-born  gentleman.  Great  was  the 
disappointment  of  many  who,  having  read  his  humorous 
papers  descriptive  of  his  exhibition  of  snakes  and  wax- 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E,  P.  HINGSTON.      47 

work,  and  who  having  also  formed  their  ideas  of  him 
from  the  ahsurd  pictures  which  had  been  attached  to  some 
editions  of  his  works,  found  on  meeting  with  him  that  thero 
was  no  trace  of  the  showman  in  his  deportment,  and  little 
to  call  up  to  their  mind  the  smart  Yankee  who  had  married 
"Betsy  Jane."  There  was  nothing  to  indicate  that  he  had 
not  lived  a  long  time  in  Europe  and  acquired  the  polish 
which  men  gain  by  coming  in  contact  with  the  society  of 
European  capitals.  In  his  conversation  there  was  no 
marked  peculiarity  of  accent  to  identify  him  as  an  American, 
nor  any  of  the  braggadocio  which  some  of  his  countrymen 
unadvisedly  assume.  Ilis  voice  was  soft,  gentle,  and  clear. 
He  could  make  himself  audible  in  the  largest  lecture-rooms 
without  effort.  His  style  of  lecturing  was  peculiar ;  so 
thoroughly  sui  generis,  that  I  know  of  no  one  with  whom  to 
compare  him,  nor  can  any  description  very  well  convey  an  idea 
of  that  which  it  was  like.  However  much  he  caused  his 
audience  to  laugh,  no  smile  appeared  upon  his  own  face.  It 
was  grave  even  to  solemnity,  while  he  was  giving  utterance 
to  the  most  delicious  absurdities.  His  assumption  of  in- 


48  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

difference  to  that  which  he  was  saying,  his  happy  manner  of 
letting  his  hest  jokes  fall  from  his  lips  as  if  unconscious  of 
their  being  jokes  at  all,  his  thorough  self-possossion  on  the 
platform,  and  keen  appreciation  of  that  which  suited  his 
audience,  and  that  which  did  not,  rendered  him  well  qualified 
for  the  task  which  he  had  undertaken— that  of  amusing  the 
public    with   a   humorous  lecture.      He  understood   and 
comprehended  to  a  hair's  breadth  the  grand  secret  of  how 
not  to  bore.     He  had  weighed,  measured,  and  calculated  to 
a  nicety  the  number  of  laughs  an  audience  could  indulge  in 
on  one  evening,  without  feeling  that  they  were  laughing 
just  a  little  too  much.     Above  all,  he  was  no  common  man, 
and  did  not  cause  his  audience  to  feel  that  they  were  laughing 
at  that  which  they  should  feel  ashamed  of  being  amused 
with.    lie  was  intellectually  up  to  the  level  of  nine-tenths 
of  those  who  listened  to  him,  and  in  listening,  they  felt  that 
it  was  no  fool  who  wore  the  cap  and  bells  so  excellently. 
It  was   amusing  to  notice  how  with    different  people  his 
jokes  produced  a  different  effect.     The  Honourable  Robert 
Lowe  attended  one  evening  at  the  Mormon  Lecture,  and 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.      49 

laughed  as  hilariously  as  any  one  in  the  room.  The  next 
evening  Mr.  John  Bright  happened  to  be  present.  "With 
the  exception  of  one  or  two  occasional  smiles,  he  listened 
With  grave  attention. 

In  placing  the  lecture  "before  the  public  in  print  it  is 
impossible  by  having  recourse  to  any  system  of  punctuation 
to  indicate  the  pauses,  jerky  emphases,  and  odd  inflexions  of 
voice  which  characterized  the  delivery.    The  reporter  of  the 
Standard  newspaper  describing  his  first  lecture  in  London 
aptly  said,  "Artemus  dropped  his  jokes  faster  than  the 
meteors  of  last  night  succeeded  each  other  in  the  sky. 
And  there  was  this  resemblance  between  the  flashes  of  his 
humour  and  the  flights  of  the  meteors,  that  in  each  case 
one  looked  for  jokes  or  meteors,  but  they  always  came  just 
in  the  place  that  one  least  expected  to  find  them.    Half  the 
enjoyment  of  the  evening  lay,  to  some  of  those  present,  in, 
listening  to  the  hearty  cachinnation  of  the  people  who  only 
found  out  the  jokes  some  two  or  three  minutes  after  they 
were  made,  and  who  then  laughed  apparently  at  some  grave 


So  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

statements  of  fact.  Reduced  to  paper  the  showman's  jokes 
are  certainly  not  brilliant ;  almost  their  whole  effect  lies  in 
their  seemin ,  promptu  character,  They  are  carefully 
led  up  to,  of  course,  but  they  are  uttered  as  if  they  aro 
mere  afterthoughts  of  which  the  speaker  is  hardly  sure." 
Herein  the  writer  in  the  Standard  hits  the  most  marked 
peculiarity  of  Artemus  "Ward's  style  of  lecturing.  His 
affectation  of  not  knowing  what  he  was  uttering ;  his  seem 
ing  fits  of  abstraction,  and  his  grave  melancholy  aspect 
constituted  the  very  cream  of  the  entertainment.  Occasionally 
he  would  amuse  himself  in  an  apparently  meditative  mood, 
by  twirling  his  little  riding-whip,  or  by  gazing  earnestly 
but  with  affected  admiration  at  his  panorama.  At  the 
Egyptian  Hall  his  health  entirely  failed  him,  and  he 
would  occasionally  have  to  use  a  seat  during  the  course  of 
the  lecture.  In  the  notes  which  follow  I  have  tried,  I  know 
how  inefficiently,  to  convey  here  and  there  an  idea  of  how 
Artemus  rendered  his  lecture  amusing  by  gesture  or  action. 
I  have  also,  at  the  request  of  the  Publisher,  made  a  few  ex 
planatory  comments  on  the  subject  of  our  Mormon  trip.  In 


PREFA  TORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.       s , 

so  doing  I  hope  that  I  have  not  thrust  myself  too  promi 
nently  forward  nor  been  too  officious  in  my  explanations. 
My  aim  has  been  to  add  to  the  interest  of  the  lecture  with 
those  who  never  hoard  it  delivered,  and  to  revive  in  tho 
memory  of  those  who  did  some  of  its  notable  peculiarities. 
The  illustrations  are  from  photographs  of  the  panorama 
painted  in  America  for  Artemus,  as  tho  pictorial  portion  of 
his  entertainment. 

In  the  lecture  is  tho  fan  of  the  journey.    For  the  hard 
facts  tho  reader  in  quest  of  information  is  referred  to  a  book 
published  previously  to  the   lecturer's  appearance  at  the 
Egyptian  Hall,  tho  title  of  which  is,  "Artemus  Ward: 
His  Travels  Among  tho  Mormons."     Much  against  the 
grain  as  it   was  for  Artemus  to  be    statistical,    he   has 
therein  detailed  some  of  the  experiences  of  his  Mormon 
trip,  with  duo   regard  to  the  exactitude  and  accuracy  of 
statement  expected  by  information-seeking  readers  in  a 
book  of  travels.    He  was  not  precisely  tho  sort  of  traveller 
to  write  a  paper  for  the  evening  meetings  of  the  Eoyal 


52  ARTEMUS  CARD'S  LECTURE. 

Geographical  Society,  nor  was  he  sufficiently  interested  in 
philosophical  theories  to  speculate  on  the  developments  of 
Mormonism  as  illustrative  of  the  history  of  religious  belief. 
We  were  looking  out  of  the  window  of  the  Salt  Lake 
House  one  morning,  when  Brigham  Young  happened  to 
pass  down  the  opposite  side  of  Main  Street.  It  was  cold 
weather,  and  the  prophet  was  clothed  in  a  thick  cloak  of 
some  green-coloured  material.  I  remarked  to  Artemus  that 
Brigham  had,  seemingly,  compounded  Mormonism  from 
portions  of  a  dozen  different  creeds,  and  that  in  selecting 
green  for  the  colour  of  his  apparel  he  was  imitating 
Mahomet.  "Has  it  not  struck  you/'  I  observed,  "that 
Swedenborgianism  and  Mahometanism  are  oddly  blended  in 
the  Mormon  faith  ?  " 

"Petticoatism  and  plunder,"  was  Artemus's  reply;  and 
that  comprehended  his  whole  philosophy  of  Mormonism. 
As  he  remarked  elsewhere:  "  Brigham  Young  is  a  man  of 
great  natural  ability.  If  you  ask  me,  How  pious  is  he  ?  I 
treat  it  as  a  conundrum,  and  give  it  up." 


PREF    TORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.     53 

To  lecture  in  London,  and  at  the  Egyptian  Hall,  had  long 
been  a  favourite  idea  of  Artemus  Ward.      Some  humorist 

has  said  that  "  All  good  Americans  when  they  die go 

to  Paris."    So  do  most,  whether  good  or  bad,  while  they 
are  living. 

Still  more  strongly  developed  is  the  trans-atlantic 
desire  to  go  to  Rome.  In  the  far  west  of  the  Mis 
souri,  in  the  remoter  west  of  Colorado,  and  away  in  far 
north-western  Oregon,  I  have  heard  many  a  tradesman 
express  his  intention  to  make  dollars  enough  to  enable 
him  to  visit  Home.  In  a  land  where  all  is  so  new,  whero 
they  have  had  no  past,  where  an  old  wall  would  be  a 
sensation,  and  a  tombstone  of  anybody's  great  grandfather 
the  marvel  of  the  whole  region,  the  charms  of  the  old 
world  have  an  irresistible  fascination.  To  visit  the  home  of 
the  Caesars  they  have  read  of  in  their  school  books,  and  to 
look  at  architecture  which  they  have  seen  pictorially,  but 
have  nothing  like  it  in  existence  around  them,  is  very 
naturally  the  strong  wish  of  people  who  are  nationally 


54  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

nomadic,  and  who  have  all  more  or  less  a  smattering  of 
education.  Artemus  Ward  never  expressed  to  me  any  very 
great  wish  to  travel  on  the  European  continent,  but  to  see 
London  was  to  accomplish  something  which  he  had  dreamed  of 
from  his  boyhood.  There  runs  from  Marysville  in  California 
to  Oroville  in  the  same  State  a  short  and  singular  little 
railway,  which,  when  we  were  there,  was  in  a  most 
unfinished  condition.  To  Oroville  we  were  going.  Wo 
were  too  early  for  the  train  at  the  Marysville  station, 
and  sat  down  on  a  pile  of  timber  to  chat  over  future 
prospects. 

"  What  sort  of  a  man  was  Albert  Smith  ?  "  asked 
Artemus,  "And  do  you  think  that  the  Mormons  would 
be  as  good  a  subject  for  the  Londoners  as  Mont  Blanc 
was?" 

I  answered  his  questions.  lie  reflected  for  a  few  moments, 
and  then  said, 

Well,  old  fellow,  I'll  tell  you  what  I  should  like  to  do. 


PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.     55 

I  should  like  to  go  to  London  and  give  my  lecture  in  the 
same  place.     Can  it  be  done  ?  " 

i 

It  was  done.  Not  in  the  same  room,  but  under  the  same 
roof  and  on  the  same  floor ;  in  that  gloomy-looking  Eall 
in  Piccadilly,  which  was  destined  to  be  the  ante- chamber  to 
the  tomb  of  both  lecturers. 

Throughout  this  brief  sketch  I  have  written  familiarly 
of  the  late  Mr.  Charles  F.  Browne  as  "  Artemus  Ware!," 
or  simply  as  "  Artemus."  I  have  done  so  advisedly,  mainly 
because,  during  the  whole  course  of  our  acquaintance,  I  do 
not  remember  addressing  him  as  "  Mr.  Browne,"  or  by  his 
real  Christian  name.  To  me  he  was  always  "  Artemus  " — 
Artemus  the  kind,  the  gentle,  the  suave,  the  generous.  One 
•who  was  ever  a  friend  in  the  fullest  meaning  of  the  word, 
and  the  best  of  companions  in  the  amplest  acceptance  of  the 
phrase.  His  merry  laugh  and  pleasant  conversation  are  as 
audible  to  me  as  if  they  were  heard  but  yesterday;  his 
words  of  kindness  linger  on  the  ear  of  memory,  and  his 


$$  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

tones  of  genial  mirth  live  in  echoes  which  I  shall  listen  to 
for  evermore.  Two  ycs.rs  will  soon  have  passed  away  sinco 
last  ho  spoke,  and — 

*'  Silence  now,  enamoured  of  his  voice 
Locks  its  mute  music  in  her  rugged  cell." 


E.  P.  KINGSTON. 


LONDON, 

October,  1868 


A  RTEMUS  WARD'S  first  lecture  in  London  was  de 
livered  at  the  Egyptian  Hall,  Piccadilly,  on  Tuesday, 
November  13,  18G6.  The  room  used  was  that  which  had 
been  recently  occupied  by  Mr.  Arthur  Sketchley.  It  is 
the  lesser  of  the  two  rooms  at  the  top  of  the  staircase. 
Not  the  one  in  which  Mr.  Albert  Smith  formerly  made  his 
appearances.  The  attendance  was  very  large,  but  the 
audience  for  the  most  part  consisted  of  invited  friends  and 
the  members  of  the  press.  The  paying  public  having  to 
wait  for  another  opportunity,  though  they  struggled  in 
large  numbers  to  obtain  admission. 

Copies  of  Artemus  AVard's  very  original  programmes  are 
given  in  the  Appendix,  together  with  the  notice  of  the 
lecture  which  appeared  in  the  Times  two  days  after  its 
delivery.  The  notice  was  written  by  Mr.  John  Oxenford. 


THE   PROSCENIUM 


WITH   THE   CURTAIN   DOWN. 


As  at  Artemus  Ward's  First  Lecture  in  the  Egyptian  Hall,  London, 
On  Tuesday,  November  13,  1866. 


This  was  the  appearance  of  the  stage  during  the  prologue  of  the 
lecture,  before  any  portion  of  the  panorama  was  exhibited.  The  lights 
in  the  room  being  then  turned  up,  the  wondrousgravityofthe  lecturer's 
face  was  fully  visible  at  the  time  that  he  was  uttering  his  best  jokes. 
The  picture  was  surrounded  with  a  large  gilt  frame. 
58 


THE     LECTURE. 

By  ARTEMUS  WARD. 

\7OU  are  entirely  welcome  ladies  and  gentlemen 
to  my  little  picture-shop.1 

I  couldn't  give  you  a  very  clear  idea  of  the 
Mormons — and  Utah — and  the  Plains — and  the 
Rocky  Mountains — without  opening  a  picture- 
shop and  therefore  I  open  one. 

1  "My  little  picture-shop."— I  have  already  stated  that  the 
room  used  was  the  lesser  of  the  two  on  the  first-floor  of  the 
Egyptian  Hall.  The  panorama  was  to  the  left  on  entering, 
and  Artemus  Ward  stood  at  the  south-east  corner  facing  the 
door.  He  had  beside  him  a  music-stand,  on  which  for  the 
first  few  days  he  availed  himself  of  the  assistance  afforded  by 
a  sheet  of  foolscap  on  which  all  his  "  cues  "  were  written  out 
in  a  large  hand.  The  proscenium  was  covered  with  dark 


6a  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

I  don't  expect  to  do  great  things  here — but  I 
have  thought  that  if  I  could  make  money  enough 
to  buy  me  a  passage  to  New  Zealand2 1  should  feel 

that    I  had  not   lived  in  vain. 

I  don't  want  to  live  in  vain. I'd 

rather   live   in   Margate  —  or   here.     But 

cloth,  and  the  picture  bounded  by  a  great  gilt  frame.  On  the 
rostrum  behind  the  lecturer  was  a  little  door  giving  admission 
to  the  space  behind  the  picture  where  the  piano  was  placed. 
Through  this  door  Artemus  would  disappear  occasionally  in 
the  course  of  the  evening,  either  to  instruct  his  pianist  to  play 
a  few  more  bars  of  music,  to  tell  his  assistants  to  roll  the 
picture  more  quickly  or  more  slowly,  or  to  give  some  instruc 
tions  to  the  man  who  worked  "the  moon."  The  little 
lecture-room  was  thronged  nightly  during  the  very  few 
weeks  of  its  being  open. 

8  "  To  New  Zealand''— Artemns  Ward  seriously  contem 
plated  a  visit  to  Australia,  after  having  made  the  tour  of 
England.  He  was  very  much  interested  in  all  Australian 
affairs,  had  a  strong  desire  to  see  the  lands  of  the  South,  and 
looked  forward  to  the  long  sea-voyage  as  one  of  the  means  by 
which  he  should  regain  his  lost  health. 


ARTEMUS  WAR&S  LECTURE.  61 

I  wish  when  the  Egyptians  built  this  hall  they 
had  given  it  a  little  more  ventilation.3 

If  you  should  be  dissatisfied  with  anything  here 
to-night — I  will  admit  you  all  free  in  New  Zea 
land if  yOU  Will  COme  to  me  there  for  the  orders.  Any 

respectable  cannibal  will  tell  you  where 
I  live.  This  shows  that  I  have  a  forgiving 
spirit. 

I  really  don't  care  for  money.  I  only  travel 
round  to  see  the  world  and  to  exhibit  my  clothes. 
These  clothes  I  have  on  were  a  great 
success  in  America.4 

* "  More  ventilation ." — The  heat  and  closeness  of  the 
densely-packed,  room  was  a  cause  of  common  complaint 
among  the  audience. 

4  "  These  clothes,  etc" — This  was  one  of  poor  Artemus's  jokes 
which  owed  more  of  its  success  to  its  oddity  than  to  its 
veracity.  While  lecturing  at  the  Egyptian  Hall  he  wore  a 
fashionably-cut  dress  coat  in  the  evening.  It  was  what  he 


Cz  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

How  often  do  large  fortunes  ruin  young  men ! 
I  should  like  to  be  ruined,  but  I  can  get 
on  very  well  as  I  am. 

I  am  not  an  Artist.     I  don't  paint  myself 

though  perhaps  if  I  were  a  middle-aged  single  lady 

i  should yet  I  have  a  passion  for  pictures. 1 

have  had  a  great  many  pictures — photographs — 
taken  of  myself.  Some  of  them  are  very  pretty 
— rather  sweet  to  look  at  for  a  short 
time — and  as  I  said  before  I  like  them.  I've 
always  loved  pictures. 

had  never  done  during  his  lecture-career  in  the  States,  and 
he  used  privately  to  complain  how  uncomfortable  he  felt  in  it. 
He  assumed  the  most  deplorable  look  when  pointing  out  his 
costume  to  his  audience.  His  voice  dropped  into  a  moody 
reflective  tone,  and  then  suddenly  passed  into  a  much  higher 
key  when  he  commenced  to  allude  to  "  large  fortunes."  He 
seemed  to  have  shaken  off  the  embarrassment  of  his  fashionable 
clothes,  and  to  be  glad  to  pass  on  to  another  subject.  In  the 
punctuation  of  the  succeeding  paragraph  of  the  lecture,  I  have 
endeavoured  to  convey  an  idea  of  the  long  pause  he  made 
between  some  of  his  sentences. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  63 

I  could  draw  on  wood  at  a  very  tender  age. 
When  a  mere  child  I  once  drew  a  small  cart 
load  of  raw  turnips  over  a  wooden  bridge. 
-  The  people  of  the  village  noticed  me.  I 
drew  their  attention.  They  said  I  had  a 
future  before  me.  Up  to  that  time  I  had  an  idea 
it  was  behind  me, 

Time  passed  on.  It  always  does  by  the  way. 
You  may  possibly  have  noticed  that  Time 

On.  -  It    is    a   kind    of   way    Time   has. 


I  became  a  man.  I  haven't  distinguished 
myself  at  all  as  an  artist  —  but  I  have  always  been 
more  or  less  mixed  up  with  Art.  I  have  an  uncle 
who  takes  photographs  —  and  I  have  aservant 

Who  -  takes    anything    he   can  get    his  hands  on. 

When  I  was  in  Rome  -  Rome  in  New  York 
State  I  mean  -  a  distinguished  sculpist  wanted 
to  sculp  me.  But  I  said  "No."  I  saw  through 


64  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

the  designing  man.     My  model  once  in  his  hands 
—he   would   have  flooded   the   market  with  my 

busts and  I  couldn't  stand  it  to  see  everybody 

going  round  with  a  bust  of  me.  Everybody 
would  want  one  of  course — and  wherever  I  should 
go  I  should  meet  the  educated  classes  with  my 
bust,  taking  it  home  to  their  families.  This 
would  be  more  than  my  modesty  could 
stand and  I  should  have  to  return  to 

America where   my  creditors   are. 

I  like  Art.     I  admire  dramatic  Art— although 
I  failed  as  a*n  actor. 

It  was  in  my  schoolboy  days  that  I  failed  as 
an  actor.5 The  play  was  the  "  Ruins  of  Pom- 

5  "Failed  as  an  actor" — Artemus  made  many  attempts  as  an 
amateur  actor,  but  never  to  his  own  satisfaction.  He  was  very 
fond  of  the  society  of  actors  and  actresses.  Their  weaknesses 
amused  him  as  much  as  their  talents  excited  his  admiration. 
One  of  his  favourite  sayings  was  that  the  world  was  made  up 
of  "  men,  women,  and- the  peopld  on  the  stage." 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  65 

peii." 1  played  the  Ruins.      It  was  not  a 

very  successful  performance — but  it  was  better 
than   the  "Burning  Mountain."      He  was  not 

good.       He    was    a  bad    Vesuvius. 

The    remembrance    often    makes    me    ask — 

"Where  are  the  boys  of  my  youth?" 1  assure 

you    this    is    not    a    conundrum. Some    are 

amongst  you  here some  in  America 

some  are  in  gaol. 

Hence  arises  a  most  touching  question  — 
"  Where  are  the  girls  of  my  youth  ? "  Some  are 
married some  would  like  to  be. 

Oh  my  Maria !  Alas  !  she  married  another. 
They  frequently  do.  I  hope  she  is  happy — because 

I  am.6 Some  people  are  not  happy.    I  have 

noticed  that. 

e"  Because  I  am!"— Spoken  with  a  sigh.  It  was  a  joke 
which  always  told.  Artemus  never  failed  to  use  it  in  his 
"Babes  in  the  Wood"  lecture,  and  the  "Sixty  Minutes  in 
Africa,"  as  well  as  in  the  Mormon  story. 


66  ARTEMUS  WARD  '£  LECTURE. 

A  gentleman  friend  of  mine  came  to  me  one 
day  with  tears  in  his  eyes.  I  said  "Why  these 
weeps?"  He  said  he  had  a  mortgage  on  his 
farm — and  wanted  to  borrow  ^200.  I  lent  him 
the  money — and  he  went  away.  Some  time  after 
he  returned  with  more  tears.  He  said  he  must 
leave  me  for  ever.  I  ventured  to  remind  him  ot 
the  ^200  he  borrowed.  He  was  much  cut  up.  I 
thought  I  would  not  be  hard  upon  him — so  told 
him  I  would  throw  off  one  hundred  pounds.  He 
brightened — shook  my  hand — and  said — "Old 
friend — I  won't  allow  you  to  outdo  me  in  libe 
rality I'll  throw  off  the  other  hundred." 

As  a  manager  I  was  always  rather  more  suc 
cessful  than  as  an  actor. 

Some  years  ago  I  engaged  a  celebrated  Living 
American  Skeleton  for  a  tour  through  Australia. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  67 

He  \vas  the  thinnest  man  I  ever  saw.  He  was  a 
splendid  skeleton.  He  didn't  weigh  anything 

scarcely and  I  said  to  myself — the  people  of 

Australia  will  flock  to  see  this  tremendous  curi 
osity.  It  is  a  long  voyage — as  you  know — from 
New  York  to  Melbourne — and  to  my  utter  sur 
prise  the  skeleton  had  no  sooner  got  out  to  sea 
than  he  commenced  eating  in  the  most  horrible 
manner.  He  had  never  been  on  the  ocean  before 

— and  he  said  it  agreed  with  him. 1  thought 

so ! 1  never  saw  a  man  eat  so  much  in  my 

life.    Beef — mutton — pork he  swallowed  them 

all  like  a  shark and  between  meals  he  was 

often  discovered  behind  barrels  eating  hard-boiled 
eggs.  The  result  was  that  when  we  reached 
Melbourne  this  infamous  skeleton  weighed  64 
pounds  more  than  I  did  1 

I  thought  I  was  ruined but  I  wasn't.     I 

took  him  on  to  California another  very  long 

i 


68  ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE. 

sea  voyage and  when  I  got  him  to  San  Fran 
cisco  I  exhibited  him  as  a  Fat  Man.7 

This  story  hasn't  anything  to  do  with  my 
Entertainment,  I  know  —  -  but  one  of  the 
principal  features  of  my  Entertainment  is  that 

it  Contains   SO   many    things    that    don't   have  anything  to 


My  Orchestra  is  small but  I  am  sure  it  is 

very  good  —  so  far  as  it  goes.  I  give  my 
pianist  ten  pounds  a  night — and  his 
washing.8 

7  "  As  a  Fat  Man"— The  reader  need  scarcely  be  informed 
that  this  narrative  is  about  as  real  as  "A.  Ward's  Snaiks,"  and 
about  as  much  matter-of-fact  as  his  journey  through  the  States 
with  a  wax-work  show. 

8  "My  Pianist,  &c"    That  a  good  pianist  could  be  hired 
for  a  small  sum  in  England  was  a  matter  of  amusement  to 
Artemus.     More  especially  when  he  found  a  gentleman  who 
was  obliging  enough  to  play  anything  he  desired,  such  as 
break-downs  and  airs  which  had  the  most  absurd  relation  to 
the  scene  they  were  used  to  illustrate.     In  the  United  States 
his  pianist  was  desirous  of  playing  music  of  a  superior  order, 
much  against  the  consent  of  the  lecturer. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  69 

I  like  Music. 1  can't  sing.     As  a  singist  I 

am  not  a  success.  I  am  saddest  when  I 
sing.  So  are  those  who  hear  me.  They  are  sadder 
even  than  I  am. 

The   other  night   some   silver-voiced   young 
men  came  under  my  window  and  sang — "  Come 

where  my  love  lies  dreaming." 1  didn't  go. 

I  didn't  think  it  would  be  correct. 

I  found   music  very  soothing  when  I  lay  ill 

with  fever  in  Utah and  I  was  very  ill 1  was 

fearfully  wasted. My  face  was  hewn  down  to 

nothing — and  my  nose  was  so  sharp  I  didn't  dare 
stick  it  into  other  people's  business — for  fear  it 
would  stay  there — and  I  should  never  get  it 
again.  And  on  those  dismal  days  a  Mormon  lady 

she  was  married — tho'  not  so  much  so  as 

her  1  'isband — he  had  fifteen  other  mves she  used 

to  sing  a  ballad  commencing  "  Sweet  bird — do 
not  fly  away !" and  I  told  her  I  wouldn't. 


70  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

She  played  the  accordion  divinely — accordionly  I 
praised  her. 

I  met  a  man  in  Oregon  who  hadn't  any  teeth 

• — not   a   tooth   in   his   head yet   that    man 

could  play  on  the  bass   drum  better  than 

any   man    I   ever  met. He   kept   a    hotel. 

They  have  queer  hotels  in  Oregon.     I  remember 
one  where   they  gave  me  a  bag  of  oats   for  a 

pillow 1  had   night  mares  of  course.     In 

the  morning  the  landlord  said — How  do  you  feel 
>ld  boss — hay  ? 1  told  him  I  felt  my  oats. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  71 


'PERMIT  me  now  to  quietly  state  that  altho'  I 
am  here  with  my  cap  and  bells  I  am  also  here 
with  some  serious  descriptions  of  the  Mormons 

— their  manners — their  customs and  while  the 

pictures  I  shall  present  to  your  notice  are  by  no 
means  works  of  art — they  are  painted  from  pho- 

0  "  Permit  me  noiv"  Though  the  serious  part  of  the  lecture 
was  here  entered  upon,  it  was  not  delivered  in  a  graver  tone 
than  that  in  which  he  had  spoken  the  farcicalities  of  the 
prologue.  Most  of  the  prefatory  matter  was  given  with  an 
air  of  earnest  thought;  the  arms  sometimes  folded,  and  the  chin 
resting  on  one  hand.  On  the  occasion  of  his  first  exhibiting 
the  panorama  at  New  York  he  used  a  fishing-rod  to  point  out 
the  picture  with  ;  subsequently  he  availed  himself  of  an  old 
umbrella.  In  the  Egyptian  Hall  he  used  his  little  riding- 
whip. 


72  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

tographs  actually  taken  on  the  spot10 and  I 

am  sure  I  need  not  inform  any  person  present 
who  was  ever  in  the  territory  of  Utah  that  they 
are  as  faithful  as  they  could  possibly  be.11 

I  went  to  Great  Salt  Lake  City  by  way  of 

California. n 

™  " Photographs"  They  were  photographed  by  Savage  and 
Ottinger,  of  Salt  Lake  City,  the  photographers  to  Brigham 
Young. 

11  Curtain.  The  picture  was  concealed  from  view  during  the 
first  part  of  the  lecture  by  a  crimson  curtain.  This  was  drawn 
together  or  opened  many  times  in  the  course  of  the  lecture, 
and  at  odd  points  of  the  picture.  I  am  not  aware  that 
Artemus  himself  could  have  explained  why  he  caused  the  cur 
tain  to  be  drawn  at  one  place  and  not  at  another.  Probably 
he  thought  it  to  be  one  of  his  good  jokes  that  it  should  shut 
in  the  picture  just  when  there  was  no  reason  for  its  being  used. 

M  "  By  way  of  California"  That  is,  he  went  by  steamer 
from  New  York  to  AspinwalL,  thence  across  the  Isthmus  of 
Panama  by  railway,  and  then  from  Panama  to  California  by 
another  steamboat.  A  journey  which  then  occupied  about 
three  weeks. 


THE    STEAMER   "ARIEL." 


One  of  the  United  States  Mail  line  of  Steamers  from  New  York  to 
Aspinwall.  Being  a  supplemental  boat  only,  its  arrangements  were 
none  of  the  best. 


74 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  75 

I  went  to  California  on  the  steamer  "Ariel." 
—This  is  the  steamer  "  Ariel." 


Oblige  me  by  calmly  gazing  on  the  steamer 

"Ariel" and  when  you  go  to  California 

be  sure  and  go  on  some  other  steamer 

because    the    "Ariel"   isn't  a    very  good  one. 

When  I  reached  the  "Ariel"— at  pier  No.  4 
— New  York — I  found  the  passengers  in  a  state 
of  great  confusion  about  their  things — which 
were  being  thrown  around  by  the  ship's  porters 

in  a  manner  at  once  damaging  and  idiotic. So 

great  was  the  excitement — my  fragile  form  was 
smashed   this  way — and  jammed  that  way — till 


76  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

finally  I  was  shoved  into  a  stateroom  which  was 
occupied  by  two  middle-aged  females — who  said 

"Base   man leave  us O,    leave  us!" I    left    them 

Oh— I  left  them! 

We  reach  Accapulco  on  the  coast  of  Mexico 
in  due  time.    Nothing  of  special  interest  occurred 

at  Accapulco only  some  of  the  Mexican  ladies 

are  very  beautiful.      They  all  have  brilliant  black 

hair hair  "black  as  starless  night" if  I 

may  quote  from  the  "Family  Herald."     It 

don't  curl. A  Mexican  lady's  hair  never  curls 

it    is    straight    as    an    Indian's.       Some 

people's  hair  won't  curl  under  any  circumstances. 

———My  hair   won't    curl  under    two  shillings.13 

15 "  Under  Two  Shillings"  Artemus  always  wore  his  hair 
straight  until  after  his  severe  illness  in  Salt  Lake  City.  So 
much  of  it  dropped  off  during  his  recovery  that  he  became 
dissatisfied  with  the  long  meagre  appearance  his  countenance 
presented  when  he  surveyed  it  in  the  looking-glass.  After  his 
lecture  at  the  Salt  Lake  City  Theatre  he  did  not  lecture  again 


MONTGOMERY   STREET,    SAN    FRANCISCO. 


The  main  street  of  the  chief  city  of  California.  It  is  built  over 
what  was  a  few  years  ago  a  portion  of  the  Bay  of  San  Francisco.  In 
digging  up  apart  of  the  street,  some  ti?ne  since,  the  excavators  came 
upon  the  hull  of  an  old  vessel  full  of  chests  of  tea.  The  Chinaman  in 
the  foreground  was  pointed  out  by  the  lecturer  preparatory  to  his  re 
marks  on  the  Chinese  theatre. 
78 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  79 


The  great  thoroughfare  of  the  imperial  city 
of  the  Pacific  Coast 

The  Chinese  form  a  large  element  in  the  popu 
lation  of  San  Francisco  —  and  I  went  to  the 
Chinese  Theatre. 

until  we  had  crossed  the  Rocky  Mountains  and  arrived  at 
Denver  City,  the  capital  of  Colorado.  On  the  afternoon  he 
was  to  lecture  there  I  met  him  coming  out  of  an  ironmonger's 
store  with  a  small  parcel  in  his  hand.  "  I  want  you,  old 
fellow,"  he  said,  "  I  have  been  all  round  the  City  for  them, 
and  I've  got  them  at  last."  "  Got  what  ?  "  I  asked.  "  A  pah 
of  curling-tongs.  I  am  going  to  have  my  hair  curled  to  lecture 
in  to-night.  I  mean  to  cross  the  plains  in  curls.  Come  home 
with  me  and  try  to  curl  it  for  me.  I  don't  want  to  go  to  any 
idiot  of  a  barber  to  be  laughed  at."  I  played  the  part  of 
friscur.  Subsequently  he  became  his  own  "  curlist,"  as  he 
phrased  it.  From  that  day  forth  Artemus  was  a  curly-haired 
man. 


So  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

A  Chinese  play  often  lasts  two  months. 
Commencing  at  the  hero's  birth,  it  is  cheerfully 
conducted  from  week  to  week  till  he  is  either 
killed  or  married. 

The  night  I  was  there  a  Chinese  comic  vocalist 
sang  a  Chinese  comic  song.  It  took  him  six 
weeks  to  finish  it — but  as  my  time  was  limited  I 
went  away  at  the  expiration  of  215  verses. 
There  were  11,000  verses  to  this  song  —  the 

chorus  being  "Tural  lural  dural,  ri  fol  day" 

which  was  repeated  twice  at  the  end  of  each  verse 
making — as  you  will  at  once  see — the  appal 
ling  number  of  22,000  "tural  lural  dural,  ri  fol 
days" and  the  man  still  lives. 


VIRGINIA   CITY,    NEVADA. 


When  Artemus  Ward  paid  his  visit  here,  there  was  a  population  of 
about  15,000,  with  three  daily  newspapers.  Five  years  previously  it 
had  no  existence.  It  was  the  largest  place  between  the  Sierra  Nevada 
Mountains  and  Salt  Lake  City.  (1863.) 


82 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  83 


Virginia  City — in    the  bright  new  State  of 
Nevada.14 

A  wonderfu    little  city— right   in  the  heart 

1      of   the   famous   Washoe   silver  regions the 

mines  of  which  annually  produce  over  twenty-five 
millions  of  solid  silver.  This  silver  is  melted 
into  solid  bricks — of  about  the  size  of  ordinary 

l*"  Virginia  City."  The  view  of  Virginia  City  given  in 
the  panorama  conveyed  a  very  poor  idea  of  the  marvellous 
capital  of  the  silver  region  of  Nevada.  Artemus  caused  the 
curtain  to  close  up  between  his  view  of  San  Francisco  and  that 
of  Virginia  City,  as  a  simple  means  of  conveying  an  idea  of  the 
distance  travelled  between.  To  arrive  at  the  city  of  silver  we 
had  to  travel  from  San  Francisco  to  Sacramento  by  steamboat, 
thence  from  Sacramento  to  Folsom  by  railroad,  then  by  coach 
to  Placerville.  At  Placerville  we  commenced  the  ascent  of  the 
Sierra  Nevada,  gaining  the  summit  of  Johnson's  Pass  about 


84  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

house-bricks — and  carted  off  to  San  Francisco 
with  mules.  The  roads  often  swarm  with  these 
silver  wagons. 

One  hundred  and  seventy-five  miles,  to  the 
east  of  this  place  are  the  Reese  River  Silver 
Mines — which  are  supposed  to  be  the  richest  in 
the  world. 


four  o'clock  in  the  morning;  thence  we  descended;  skirted  the 
shores  of  Lake  Tahoe,  and  arrived  at  Carson  City,  where 
Artemus  lectured.  From  Carson,  the  next  trip  was  across  an 
arid  plain,  to  the  great  silver  region.  Empire  City,  the  first 
place  we  struck,  was  composed  of  about  fifty  wooden  houses 
and  three  or  four  quartz  mills.  Leaving  it  behind  us,  we 
passed  through  the  Devil's  Gate— a  grand  ravine,  with  pre 
cipitous  mountains  on  each  side ;  then  we  came  to  Silver 
City,  Gold  Hill,  and  Virginia.  The  road  was  all  up-hill. 
Virginia  City  itself  is  built  on  a  ledge  cut  out  of  the  side  of 
Mount  Davidson,  which  rises  some  9,000  feet  above  the  sea 
level — the  city  being  about  half  way  up  its  side.  To  Artemus 
Ward  the  wild  character  of  the  scenery,  the  strange  manners 
of  the  red-shirted  citizens,  and  the  odd  developments  of  life 
met  with  in  that  uncouth  mountain-town  were  all  replete  with 


PLAINS    BETWEEN   VIRGINIA   &   SALT   LAKE. 


Herbage  on  the  plains  of  Nevada  consists  almost  exclusively  of  the 
Sage-brush  (Artemisia  tridentata\  the  most  dreary-looking  of  shrubs. 
The  leaves  are  of  a  leaden  colour,  and  the  stems  are  gnarled  and  wiry. 


86 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  87 


The  great  American  Desert  in  winter-time 

the  desert  which  is  so  frightfully  gloomy  always. 

No  trees no  houses no  people — save  the 

miserable  beings  who  live  in  wretched  huts  and 
have  charge  of  the  horses  and  mules  of  the 
Overland  Mail  Company. 

interest.  We  stayed  there  about  a  week.  During  the  time  of 
our  stay  he  explored  every  part  of  the  place,  met  many  old 
friends  from  the  Eastern  States,  and  formed  many  new  ac 
quaintances,  with  some  of  whom  acquaintance  ripened  into 
warm  friendship.  Among  the  latter  was  Mr.  Samuel  L. 
Clemens,  now  well  known  as  "  Mark  Twain."  He  was  then 
sub-editing  one  of  the  three  papers  published  daily  in 
Virginia—  The  Territorial  Enterprise.  Artemus  detected  in  the 
writings  of  Mark  Twain  the  indications  of  great  humorous 
power,  and  strongly  advised  the  writer  to  seek  a  better  field 


83  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

This  picture  is  a  great  work  of  art. It  is 

an  oil  painting — d one  in  petroleum.  It 
is  by  the  Old  Masters.  It  was  the  last  thing  they 
did  before  dying.  They  did  this  and 
then  they  expired. 

for  his  talents.  Since  then  he  has  become  a  well-known  New 
York  lecturer  and  author.  With  Mark  Twain,  Artemus  made 
a  descent  into  the  Gould  and  Curry  Silver  Mine  at  Virginia, 
the  largest  mine  of  the  kind,  I  believe,  in  the  world.  The 
account  of  the  descent  formed  a  long  and  very  amusing 
article  in  the  next  morning's  Enterprise.  To  wander  about 
the  town  and  note  its  strange  developments  occupied  Artemus 
incessantly.  I  was  sitting  writing  letters  at  the  hotel  when 
he  came  in  hurriedly,  and  requested  me  to  go  out  with  him. 
"  Come  and  see  some  joking  much  better  than  mine,"  said 
he.  He  led  me  to  where  one  of  Wells,  Fargo,  &  Co.'s 
express  waggons  was  being  rapidly  filled  with  silver  bricks. 
Ingots  of  the  precious  metal,  each  almost  as  large  as  an  ordi 
nary  brick,  were  being  thrown  from  one  man  to  another  to 
load  the  waggon,  just  as  bricks  or  cheeses  are  transferred  from 
hand  to  had  by  carters  in  England.  "  Good  old  jokes  those, 
Kingston.  Good,  solid  *  Babes  in  the  Wood,' "  observed 
Artemus.  Yet  that  evening  he  lectured  in  "Maguire's  Opera 
House,"  Virginia  City,  to  an  audience  composed  chiefly  of 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  89 

The  most  celebrated  artists  of  London  are  so 
delighted  with  this  picture  that  they  come  to  the 
Hall  every  day  to  gaze  at  it.  I  wish  you  were 
nearer  to  it — so  you  could  see  it  better.  I  wish 
I  could  take  it  to  your  residences  and  let  you  see 

miners,  and  the  receipts  were  not  far  short  of  eight  hundred 
dollars.  A  droll  building  it  was  to  be  called  an  "Opera 
House,"  and  to  bear  that  designation  in  a  place  so  outlandish. 
Perched  up  on  the  side  of  a  mountain — from  the  windows  of 
the  dressing  rooms — a  view  could  be  had  of  fifty  miles  of  the 
American  desert.  It  was  an  "  Opera  House ;"  yet  in  the 
plain  beneath  it  there  were  Indians  who  still  led  the  life  Of 
savages,  and  carried  dried  human  scalps  attached  to  their 
girdles.  It  was  an  "  Opera  House ;"  yet,  for  many  hundred 
miles  around  it,  Nature  wore  the  roughest,  sternest,  and  most 
barren  of  aspects — no  tree,  no  grass,  no  shrub,  but  the 
colourless  and  dreary  sage-brush.  Every  piece  of  timber, 
every  brick,  and  every  stone  in  that  "Opera  House"  had 
been  brought  from  California,  over  those  snow-capped 
Sierras,  which,  but  a  few  years  before  had  been  regarded  as 
beyond  the  last  outposts  of  civilisation.  Every  singer  who 
had  sung,  and  every  actor  who  had  performed  at  that  "Opera 
House"  had  been  whirled  down  the  sides  of  the  Nevada  moun 
tains,  clinging  to  the  coach-top,  and  mentally  vowing  never 


90  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

it  by  daylight.  Some  of  the  greatest  artists  in 
London  come  here  every  morning  before  daylight 
with  lanterns  to  look  at.  They  say  they  never 
saw  anything  like  it  before and  they  hope 

they  never    shall  again. 


again  to  trust  the  safety  of  his  neck  on  any  such  professional 
excursion.  The  drama  has  been  very  plucky  "out  West." 
Thalia,  Melpomene,  and  Euterpe  become  young  ladies  of 
great  animal  spirits,  and  fearless  daring,  when  they  feel 
the  fresh  breezes  of  the  Pacific  blowing  in  their  faces.  At 
Virginia  City  we  purchased  black  felt  shirts  half  an  inch  thick, 
and  grey  blankets  of  ample  size  to  keep  us  warm  for  the 
journey  we  were  about  to  undertake.  We  invested  also  in 
revolvers  to  defend  ourselves  against  the  Indians  ;  a  dozen 
cold  roast  fowls  to  eat  on  the  way ;  a  demijohn  of  Bourbon 
whisky,  and  a  bagful  of  unground  coffee.  This  last  was 
about  as  useful  as  any  of  our  purchases.  Thus  provided,  we 
started  across  the  desert  on  our  way  to  Reese  River,  and 
thence  to  Salt  Lake  City.  Our  coach  was  a  fearfully  lumber 
ing  old  vehicle  of  great  strength,  constructed  for  jolting  over 
rocky  ledges,  plunging  into  marshy  swamps,  and  for  rolling 
through  miles  of  sand.  The  horses  were  small  and  wiry, 
accustomed  to  the  country,  and  able  to  exist  on  anything 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  91 

When  I  first  showed  this  picture  in  New 
York,  the  audience  were  so  enthusiastic  in  their 
admiration  of  this  picture  that  they  called 

for  the  Artist and  when  he   appeared  they  threw 


which  it  is  possible  for  a  horse  to  eat.  There  were  four  of  us 
in  the  coach.  The  "Pioneer  Company's"  man  who  drove 
us  was  full  of  whisky  and  good-humour  when  he  mounted 
the  box,  and  singing  in  chorus,  "  Jordan  's  a  hard  road  to 
travel  on,"  we  bowled  down  the  slope  of  Mount  Davidson 
towards  the  deserts  of  Nevada,  m  route  for  New  Pass  Station. 

w*  "  Threw  brickbats  at  him"  This  portion  of  the  panorama 
was  very  badly  painted.  When  the  idea  of  having  a  panorama 
was  first  entertained  by  Artemus  he  wished  to  have  one 
of  great  artistic  merit.  Finding  considerable  difficulty  in 
procuring  one,  and  also  discovering  that  the  expense  of  a 
real  work  of  art  would  be  beyond  his  means,  he  resolved  on 
having  a  very  bad  one,  or  one  so  bad  in  parts  that  its  very 
badness  would  give  him  scope  for  jest.  In  the  small  towns 
of  the  Western  States  it  passed  very  well  for  a  first-class  pic 
ture,  but  what  it  was  really  worth  in  an  artistic  point  of  view 
its  owner  was  very  well  aware. 


92  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


A  bird's-eye-view  of  Great  Salt  Lake  City 
the  strange  city  in  the  Desert  about  which 

so  much  has  been  heard the  city  of  the  people 

who  call  themselves  Saints.15 

I  know  there  is  much  interest  taken  in  these 
remarkable  people — ladies  and  gentlemen and 

13  "  Salt  Lake  City"  Our  stay  in  the  Mormon  capital  ex 
tended  over  six  weeks.  So  cheerless  was  the  place  in  mid 
winter,  that  we  should  not  have  stayed  half  that  time  had  not 
Artcmus  Ward  succumbed  to  an  attack  of  typhoid  fever 
almost  as  soon  as  we  arrived.  The  incessant  travel  by  night 
and  day,  the  depressing  effect  produced  by  intense  cold, 
travelling  through  leagues  of  snow  and  fording  half-frozen 
rivers  at  midnight,  the  excitement  of  passing  through  Indian 
country,  and  some  slight  nervous  apprehension  of  how  he 


PART  OF  SALT  LAKE  CITY, 

VIEWED   FROM   A   DISTANCE. 


The  City  is  laid  out  in  squares  j  each  house  standing  on  an  acre 
and  a  quarter  of  ground,  with  a  canal  of  clear  water  flowing  in  front. 
(This  picture  joins  on  the  one  which  follows  if.} 


SALT    LAKE    CITY. 

FROM    THE    HEIGHTS   BEHIND    IT. 


J^^ 


The  building  in  the  foreground  is  the  Mormon  arsenal.  To  the 
right,  in  the  mid-distance,  is  the  River  Jordan,  flowing  from  Lake 
Utah  to  the  Salt  Lake.  The  valley  through  which  the  Jordan  flows  is 
one  of  the  most  fertile  on  the  North  American  continent. 


95 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  97 

I  have  thought  it  better  to  make  the  purely  de 
scriptive    part    of    my    Entertainment    entirely 

serious. 1  will  not — then — for  the  next  ten 

minutes — confine  myself  to  my  subject. 

Some  seventeen  years  ago  a  small  band  of 
Mormons — headed  by  Brigham  Young — com 
menced  in  the  present  thrifty  metropolis  of  Utah. 
The  population  of  the  territory  of  Utah  is  over 
100,000 — chiefly  Mormons and  they  are  in 
creasing  c?.t  the  rate  of  from  five  to  ten  thousand 

would  be  received  among  the  Mormons,  considering  that  he 
had  ridiculed  them  in  a  paper  published  some  time  before,  all 
conspired  to  produce  the  illness  which  resulted.  Fever  of 
the  typhoid  form  is  not  uncommon  in  Utah.  Probably  the 
rarefaction  of  the  air  on  a  plateau  4,000  feet  above  the  sea 
level  has  something  to  do  with  its  frequency.  Artemus's  fears 
relative  to  the  cordiality  of  his  reception  proved  to  be 
groundless,  for  during  the  period  of  his  being  ill  he  was 
carefully  tended.  Brigham  Young  commissioned  Mr.  Sten- 


98  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

annually.  The  converts  to  Mormonism  now  are 
almost  exclusively  confined  to  English  and 
Germans. Wales  and  Cornwall  have  con 
tributed  largely  to  the  population  of  Utah  during 
the  last  few  years.  The  population  of  Great  Salt 
Lake  City  is  20,000. The  streets  are  eight 


house,   postmaster  to  the  city  and  Elder  of  the  Mormon 
Church,  to  visit  him  frequently  and  supply  him  with  whatever 
he  required.     One  of  the  two  wives  of  Mr.  Townsend,  land 
lord  of  the  Salt  Lake  House,  the  hotel  where  we  stopped  was 
equally  as  kind.    Whatever  the  feelings  of  the  Mormons  were 
towards  poor  Artemus,  they  at.  least  treated  him  with  sympa 
thetic  hospitality.     Even  Mr.  Porter  Rockwell,  who  is  known 
as  one  of  the  -Avenging  Angels,"  or  "Danite  Band,"  and, 
who  is  reported  to  have  made  away  with   some  seventeen  or 
eighteen  enemies  of  the  "  Saints,"  came  and  sat  by  the  bed 
side  of  the  sufferer,  detailing  to  him  some  of  the  little  "diffi 
culties"  he  had  experienced  in  effectually  silencing  the  un 
believers  of  times  past. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


99 


rods  wide*— and  are  neither  flagged  nor  paved. 
A  stream  of  pure  mountain  spring  water  courses 
through  each  street— and  is  conducted  into  the 
Gardens  of  the  Mormons.  The  houses  are  mostly 
of  adobe— or  sun-dried  brick— and  present  a  neat 

and  comfortable  appearance. They  are  usually 

a  story  and  a  half  high.      Now  and  then  you  see 

a  fine  modern  house  in  Salt  Lake  City but 

no  house  that  is  dirty,  shabby,  and  dilapidated— 
because  there  are  no  absolutely  poor  people  in 

Utah.     Every  Mormon  has  a  nice  garden and 

every  Mormon  has  a  tidy  dooryard. Neatness 

is  a  great  characteristic  of  the  Mormons. 

The  Mormons  profess  to  believe  that  they  are 
the  chosen  people  of  God they  call  them 
selves  Latter-day  Saints and  they  call  us 

people  of  the  outer  world  Gentiles.      They  say 
*  Equal  to  64  feet  wide. 


joo  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

that  Mr.  Brigham  Young  is  a  prophet — the  legi 
timate  successor  of  Joseph  Smith — who  founded 
the  Mormon  religion.  They  also  say  they  are 
authorised — by  special  revelation  from  Heaven — 
to  marry  as  many  wives  as  they  can  comfortably 
support. 

This   wife- system   they  call   plurality the 

world  calls  it  polygamy.  That  at  its  best  it  is  an 
accursed  thing — I  need  not  of  course  inform  you 

but  you  will  bear  in  mind  that  I  am  here 

as  a  rather  cheerful  reporter  of  what  I  saw  in 

Utah and  I  fancy  it  isn't  at  all  necessary  for 

me  to  grow  virtuously  indignant  over  something 
we  all  know  is  hideously  wrong. 

You  will  be  surprised  to  hear — I  was  amazed 
to  see — that  among  the  Mormon  women  there  are 
some  few  persons  of  education — of  positive  culti- 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  ior 

vation.     As  a  class  the   Mormons   are  not  an 

educated  people but  they  are  by  no  means 

the  community  of  ignoramuses  so  many  writers 
have  told  us  they  were. 

The  valley  in  which  they  live  is  splendidly 
favoured.  They  raise  immense  crops.  They  have 
mills  of  all  kinds.  They  have  coal — lead — and 
silver  mines.  All  they  eat— all  they  drink— all 
they  wear  they  can  produce  themselves — and  still 
have  a  great  abundance  to  sell  to  the  gold  regions 
of  Idaho  on  the  one  hand — and  the  silver  regions 
of  Nevada  on  the  other. 

The  President  of  this  remarkable  community 

• the    head    of    the    Mormon    Church is 

Brigham    Young. He   is   called    President 

Young — and  Brother  Brigham.     He  is  about  54 
years  old— altho'  he  doesn't  look  to  be  over  45. 

He  has  sandy  hair  and  whiskers is  of  medium 

height and  is  a  little  inclined  to  corpulency, 


102  ARTgMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

He  was  born  in  the  State  of  Vermont.  His  power 
is  more  absolute  than  that  of  any  living  sovereign 
yet  he  uses  it  with  such  consummate  dis 
cretion  that  his  people  are  almost  madly  devoted 
to  him — and  that  they  would  cheerfully  die  for 
him  if  they  thought  the  sacrifice  were  demanded 
— I  cannot  doubt. 

He  is  a  man  of  enormous  wealth. One- 
tenth  of  everything  sold  in  the  territory  of  Utah 

T        goes  to  the  Church and  Mr.  Brigham  Young 

is  the  Church.     It  is  supposed  that  he  speculates 

with  these  funds at  all  events — he  is  one  of 

the  wealthiest  men  now  living worth  several 

millions — without  doubt. He  is  a  bold — bad 

man but  that  he  is  also  a  man  of  extraordi 
nary  administrative  ability  no  one  can  doubt  who 
has  watched  his  astounding  career  for  the  past 
ten  years.  It  is  only  fair  for  me  to  add  that  he 
treated  me  with  marked  kindness  during  my 
sojourn  in  Utah. 


THE   SALT   LAKE    HOUSE. 


The  hotel  in  Salt  Lake  City  at  which  Art  emus  Ward  stopped  during 
his  six  weeks'*  stay,  and  where  he  was  seized  with  illness.  In  the 
distance  are  the  WahsatcJi  Mountains. 


104 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  105 


The  West  Side  of  Main  Street— Salt  Lake  City 

— including  a  view  of  the  Salt  Lake  Hotel. It 

is  a  temperance  hotel.16      I  prefer  temperance 
hotels — altho*   they  sell  worse  liquor  than 

w  "  Temperance  Hotel?  At  the  date  of  our  visit,  there  was 
only  one  place  in  Salt  Lake  City  where  strong  drink  was 
allowed  to  be  sold.  Brigham  Young  himself  owned  the 
property,  and  vended  the  liquor  by  wholesale,  not  permitting 
any  of  it  to  be  drunk  on  the  premises.  It  was  a  coarse, 
inferior  kind  of  whisky,  known  in  Salt  Lake  as  "Valley  Tan." 
Throughout  the  city  there  was  no  drinking-bar  nor  billiard 
room,  so  far  as  I  am  aware.  But  a  drink  on  the  sly  could 
always  be  had  at  one  of  the  hard-goods  stores,  in  the  back 
oCice  behind  the  pile  of  metal  saucepans  ;  or  at  one  of  the 

G 


io6  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

any  other  kind  of  hotels.     But  the  Salt  Lake 

Hotel  sells  none nor  is  there  a  bar  in  all 

Salt  Lake  City but  I  found  when  I  was  thirsty 

— and  I  generally  am — that  I  could  get  some 
very  good  brandy  of  one  of  the  Elders — on  the 
sly — and  I  never  on  any  account  allow  my  business  to 

interfere   with  my  drinking. 


dry-goods  stores,  in  the  little  parlour  in  the  rear  of  the  bales 
of  calico.  At  the  present  time  I  believe  that  there  are  two  or 
three  open  bars  in  Salt  Lake,  Brigham  Young  having  recog 
nised  the  right  of  the  "  Saints"  to  "liquor  up"  occasionally. 
But  whatever  other  failings  they  may  have,  intemperance 
cannot  be  laid  to  their  charge.  Among  the  Mormons  there 
are  no  paupers,  no  gamblers,  and  no  drunkards. 


MAIN   STREET,   SALT-  t'AKE   C'lt-Y.'-'' 


This  picture  is  a  continuation  of  the  preceding  one.  The  roojn  in 
•which  Artetnus  resided  was  that  in  the  white  part  of  tlie  house,  under 
the  Veranda.  The  hotel  was  kept  by  Mr.  James  Townsend,  a 
Mormon. 


107 


THE  COACH  TO  SALT  LAKE. 


lOO^ 


In  the  panorama,  the  Coach  is  made  a  much  more  sightly  object 
than  it  really  was.  Instead  of  looking  like  a  respectable  omnibus,  it 
was  a  huge  jolting  affair  of  cumbmts  proportions,  with  sad  arrange 
ments  for  internal  comfort. 


no 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  121 


There  is  the  Overland  Mail  Coach.17 That 

is,  the  den  on  wheels  in  which  we  have  been 


17  "  Overland  Mall  Coach:9  From  Virginia  City  to  Salt 
Lake  we  travelled  in  the  coaches  of  the  "  Pioneer  Stage 
Company."  In  leaving  Salt  Lake  for  Denver  we  changed  to 
those  of  the  "Overland  Stage  Company,"  of  which  the 
renowned  Ben  Ilolliday  is  proprietor,  a  gentleman  whose 
name  on  the  Plains  is  better  known  than  that  of  any  other 
man  in  America, 


ii2  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

crammed  for  the  past  ten  days — and  ten  nights. 
Thoce  of  you  who  have  been  in  Newgate18 — 


and  staid   there   any  length  of  time as 

visitors can  realize  how  I  felt. 


18  "Been  in  Newgale"  The  manner  in  which  Artemus 
uttered  this  joke  was  peculiarly  characteristic  of  his  style  of 
lecturing.  The  commencement  of  the  sentence  was  spoken 
as  if  unpremeditated ;  then,  when  he  had  got  as  far  as  the 
word  "  Newgate,"  he  paused,  as  if  wishing  to  call  back  that 
which  he  had  said.  The  applause  was  unfailingly  uproarious. 
Travelling  through  the  States,  he  used  to  say,  "  Those  of  you 
who  have  been  in  the  Penitentiary."  On  the  morning  after 
his  lecture  at  Pittsburg  in  Pennsylvania,  he  was  waited  on  by 
a  tall,  gaunt,  dark-haired  man,  of  sour  aspect  and  sombre 
demeanour,  who  carried  in  his  hand  a  hickory  walking-cane, 
which  he  grasped  very  menacingly,  as  addressing  Artemus  he 
said,  "  I  guess  you  are  the  gentleman  who  lect'red  last 
night  ?  "  Mr.  Ward  replied  in  the  affirmative.  "  Then  I've 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  113 

The  American   Overland   Mail   Route   com 
mences  at  Sacramento — California and  ends 

at  Atchison — Kansas.  The  distance  is  two 
thousand  two  hundred  miles but  you  go  part 

got  to  have  satisfaction  from  you.  I  took  my  wife  and  her 
sister  to  hear  you  lectcr,  and  you  insulted  them."  "  Excuse 
me,"  said  Artemus.  "  I  went  home  immediately  the  lecture 
was  over,  and  had  no  conversation  with  any  lady  in  the  hall 
that  evening."  The  visitor  grew  more  angry,  "  Hold  thar, 
Mr.  Lect'rer.  You  told  my  wife  and  her  sister  that  they'd 
been  in  the  Penitentiary.  I  must  have  satisfaction  for  the 
insult,  and  I'm  come  to  get  it."  Artemus  was  hesitating  how 
to  reply,  when  the  hotel  clerk  suddenly  appeared  upon  the 
scene,  saying,  «•  I've  a  good  memory  for  voices.  You  are  Mr. 
Josiah  Mertin,  I  believe  ?"  "  I  am,"  was  the  reply.  "  And  I 
am  the  late  clerk  of  the  Girard  House,  Philadelphia.  There's 
a  little  board-bill  of  yours  owing  there  for  ninety-two  dollars 
and  a  half.  You  skedaddled  without  paying.  Will  you  oblige 
me  by  waiting  till  I  send  for  an  officer  ?  "  I  believe  that  Mr. 
Josiah  Mertin  did  not  even  wait  for  "  satisfaction." 


ii4  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE 

of  the  way  by  rail.  The  Pacific  Railway10  is  now 
completed  from  Sacramento  —  California  —  to 

Fulsom  —  California which   only  leaves  two 

thousand  two  hundred  and  eleven  miles  to  go  by 
coach.  This  breaks  the  monotony — — — it 
came  very  near  breaking  my  back. 

15  "  The  Pacific  Railway"  The  journey  was  made  in  the 
winter  of  1863-4.  By  the  time  these  notes  appear  in  print, 
the  Pacific  Railway  will  be  almost  complete  from  the  banks 
of  the  Missouri  to  those  of  the  Sacramento,  and  travellers  will 
soon  be  able  to  make  the  transit  of  over  three  thousand  miles 
from  New  York  City  to  the  capital  of  California,  without 
leaving  the  railway  car,  except  to  cross  a  ferry,  or  to  change 
from  one  station  to  another. 


THE    MORMON    THEATRE. 


A  brief  description  of  this  biiilding  will  be  found  in  the  notes 
appended  to  the  lecture.  Artemus  Ward  lectured  here  on  "  The  Babes 
in  the  Wood"  It  was  built  by  Brigham  Young,  and  is  his  property. 


116 


ARTEMUS   WARDS  LECTURE.  117 


The  Mormon  Theatre. This  edifice  is  the 

exclusive  property  of  Brigham  Young.  It  will 
comfortably  hold  3,000  persons — and  I  beg  you 
will  believe  me  when  I  inform  you  that  its  interior 
is  quite  as  brilliant  as  that  of  any  theatre  in 
London.20 

20  "  Brilliant  as  that  of  any  theatre  in  London?  Herein 
Artemus  slightly  exaggerated.  The  colouring  of  the  theatre 
was  white  and  gold,  but  it  was  inefficiently  lighted  with  oil 
lamps.  When  Brigham  Young  himself  showed  us  round  the 
theatre,  he  pointed  out,  as  an  instance  of  his  own  ingenuity, 
that  the  central  chandelier  was  formed  out  of  the  wheel  of 
one  of  his  old  coaches.  The  house  is  now,  I  believe,  lighted 
with  gas.  Altogether  it  is  a  very  wondrous  edifice,  consider 
ing  where  it  is  built  and  who  were  the  builders.  At  the  time 
fo  s;i  erection  there  was  no  other  theatre  on  the  northern 


ii8  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

The  actors  are  all  Mormon  amateurs,  who 
charge  nothing  for  their  services. 

You  must  know  that  very  little  money  is  taken 
at  the  doors  of  this  theatre.  The  Mormons 
mostly  pay  in  grain — and  all  sorts  of  articles. 

The  night  I  gave  my  little  lecture  there — 
among  my  receipts  were  corn — flour — pork — 

part  of  the  American  plateau,  no  building  for  a  similar  pur 
pose  anywhere  for  five  hundred  miles,  north,  east,  south,  or 
west.  Many  a  theatre  in  the  provincial  towns  of  England  is 
not  half  so  substantially  built,  nor  one  tithe-part  so  well  ap 
pointed.  The  dressing  rooms,  wardrobe,  tailors*  workshop, 
carpenters'  shop,  paint  room,  and  library,  leave  scarcely  any 
thing  to  be  desired  in  their  completeness.  Brigham  Young's 
son-in-law,  Mr.  Hiram  Clawson,  the  manager,  and  Mr.  John 
Cane,  the  stage  manager,  if  they  came  to  London,  might 
render  good  service  at  one  or  two  of  our  metropolitan  play- 
ouuses, 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  119 

cheese — chickens on   foot   and   in   the 

shell. 

One   family  went  in  on  a  live  pig and   a   man 

attempted  to  pass  a  "yaller  dog"   at  the   Box 
Office — but  my  agent  repulsed  him.     One  offered 

me  a  doll    for    admission another    infants' 

clothing. 1  refused  to  take  that. As  a 

general  rule  I  do  refuse. 

In  the  middle  of  the  parquet — in  a  rocking 
chair — with  his  hat  on — sits  Brigham  Young. 
When  the  play  drags — he  either  goes  out  or  falls 
into  a  tranquil  sleep. 

A  portion  of  the  dress-circle  is  set  apart  for 
the  wives  of  Brigham  Young.  From  ten  to 
twenty  of  them  are  usually  present.  H  i  s 
children  fill  the  entire  gallery — and  more 
too. 


120  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


The   East  Side  of  Main   Street — Salt  Lake 

City — with  a  view  of  the  Council  Building. 

The  legislature  of  Utah  meets  there.  It  is  like 
all  legislative  bodies.  They  meet  this  winter  to 
repeal  the  laws  which  they  met  and  made  last 

winter and  they  will  meet  next  winter  to  repeal 

the  laws  which  they  met  and  made  this  winter 

I  dislike  to  speak  about  it but  it  was 

in  Utah  that  I  made  the  great  speech  of  my  life. 
I  wish  you  could  have  heard  it.  I  have  a  fine 
education.  You  may  have  noticed  it.  I 

speak    six    different    languages London  — 

Chatham — and  Dover Margate — Brighton — 


MAIN   STREET,    SALT   LAKE   CITY. 


The  building  to  the  extreme  right  is  the  House  of  Legislature,  where 
the  representatives  of  the  territory  of  Utah  hold  their  meetings.  The 
second 'house on  the  right  is  the  Post  Office.  Main  Street  is  132  feet  in 
breadth. 


121 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  123 

and  Hastings.  My  parents  sold  a  cow — and  sent 
me  to  college  when  I  was  quite  young.  During 
the  vacation  I  used  to  teach  a  school  of  whales — 

and  there's  where  I  learned  to  spout. 1  don't 

expect  applause  for  a  little  thing  like  that.  I  wish 
you  could  have  heard  that  speech— however.  If 

Cicero he's  dead  now he  has  gone  from  us 

but  if  Old   Ciss21  could  have  heard  that 

effort  it  would  have  given  him  the  rinderpest. 
I'll  tell  you  how  it  was.  There  are  stationed  in 

Utah  two  regiments  of  U.  S.  troops the  2ist 

from  California— and  the  37th  from  Nevada.  The 
20-onesters  asked  me  to  present  a  stand  of  colours 


31  « 


'  Old  Ciss."  Here  again  no  description  can  adequately 
inform  the  reader  of  the  drollery  which  characterized  the 
lecturer.  His  reference  to  Cicero  was  made  in  the  most 
lugubrious  manner,  as  if  he  really  deplored  his  death  and 
valued  him  as  a  schoolfellow  loved  and  lost. 


124  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

to  the  37-sters and  I  did  it  in  a  speech  so 

abounding  in  eloquence  of  a  bold  and  brilliant 

character and  also  some  sweet  talk rea] 

pretty  shop-keeping  talk that  I  worked  the 

enthusiasm  of  those  soldiers  up  to  such  a 

pitch that  they    came  very  near  shooting  me  on  the  spot.22 

22  "  United  States  Troops"  Our  stay  in  Utah  was  rendered 
especially  pleasant  by  the  attentions  of  the  regiment  oi 
California  Cavalry,  then  stationed  at  Fort  Douglas  in  the 
Wahsatch  Mountains,  three  miles  beyond  and  overlooking 
the  city.  General  Edward  O'Connor,  the  United  States 
Military  Governor  of  Utah,  was  especially  attentive  to  the 
wants  of  poor  Artemus  during  his  severe  illness ;  and 
had  it  not  been  for  the  kind  attentions  of  Dr.  Williams,  the 
surgeon  to  the  regiment,  I  doubt  if  the  invalid  would  have 
recovered.  General  O'Connor  had  then  been  two  years 
stationed  in  Utah,  but  during  the  whole  of  that  time  had 
refused  to  have  any  personal  communication  with  Brigham 
Young.  The  Mormon  prophet  would  sit  in  his  private  box, 
and  the  United  States  general  occupy  a  seat  in  the  dress-circle 
of  the  theatre.  They  would  look  at  each  other  frequently 
through  their  opera-glasses,  but  that  constituted  their  whole 
intimacy. 


UPPER  PART  OF  MAIN  STREET. 


This  picture  is  a  continuation  of  the  preceding  one.  On  the  left  is  a 
portion  of  the  enclosure  wherein  the  new  temple  is  being  built.  On  the 
right,partof  the  grounds  belonging  to  the  second  in  command  in  the 
Mormon  Church — Mr.  Heber  C.  Kimball. 


125 


BRIGHAM   YOUNG'S    PALACE. 


To  the  extreme  left  is  the  Lion  House.  (There  is  a  lion  over  one  of 
the  windows?)  It  is  the  harem  of  the  prophet.  Every  "wife"  who 
inhabits  it  has  a  room  similarly  furnished.  They  meet  in  common  on 
the  veranda.  Brigham  Young  himself  lives  with  his  favourite  in  the 
large  middle  house.  The  building  with  the  tower  to  it  on  the  right  is 
the  school-house,  for  the  education  of  the  prophef  s  children  only. 
128 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  129 


Brigham  Young's  Harem. These  are  the 

houses  of  Brigham  Young.  The  first  on  the 
right  is  the  Lion  House — so  called  because  a 
crouching  stone  lion  adorns  the  central  front 
window.  The  adjoining  small  building  is  Brigham 
Young's  office — and  where  he  receives  his  visitors. 

The   large  house  in  the  centre  of  the  picture 

— which  displays  a  huge  bee-hive — is  called  the 

Bee  House the  bee-hive  is  supposed  to  be 

symbolical  of  the  industry  of  the  Mormons. 

Mrs.  Brigham  Young  the  first — now  quite  an  old 
lady— lives  here  with  her  children.  None  of  the 
other  wives  of  the  prophet  live  here.  In  the  rear 


130  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

are  the  school  houses  where  Brigham  Young's 
children  are  educated. 

Brigham    Young    has    two    hundred    wives. 

JuSt   think   Of  that!       Oblige    me  by  thinking  of  that. 

That  is — he  has  eighty  actual  wives,  and  he  is 
spiritually  married   to   one  hundred  and  twenty 

more.      These   spiritual   marriages as   the 

Mormons    call    them are    contracted  with 

aged  widows — who  think  it  a  great  honour  to  be 

sealed the  Mormons  call  it  being  sealed 

to  the  Prophet. 

So  we  may  say  he  has  two  hundred  wives. 
He  loves  not  wisely — but  two  hundred 
well.  He  is  dreadfully  married.  He's  the 

most     married    man    I    ever    saw    in   my   life. 

I  saw  his  mother-in-law  while  I  was  there.  I 
can't  exactly  tell  you  how  many  there  is 
of  her — but  it's  a  good  deal.  It  strikes  me  that 


I 


ARTEMUS  WARD*  S  LECTURE.  131 

one  mother-in-law  is  about  enough  to  have  in  a 

family unless    you're    very  fond    of  excitement. 

A   few  days   before    my  arrival    in    Utah — 
Brigham   was   married  again — to   a  young  and 

really  pretty  girl23 but  he  says  he  shall  stop 

now.  He  told  me  confidentially  that  he  shouldn't 
get  married  any  more.  He  says  that  all  he  wants 
now  is  to  live  in  peace  for  the  remainder  of  his  days 
— and  have  his  dying  pillow  soothed  by  the  loving 

hands  of  his  family.     Well — that's  all  right 

that's  all  right — I  suppose but  if  all  his 

family  soothe  his  dying  pillow  —  he'll 
have  to  go  out-doors  to  die. 

By  the  way — Shakespeare  endorses  polygamy. 

He  speaks  of  the  Merry  Wives  of  Windsor. 

How  many  wives  did  Mr.  Windsor  have 
• But  we  will  let  this  pass. 

»  "A  really  pretty  Girl."     The  daughter  of  the  architect  of 
his  new  theatre. 


i32  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

Some  of  these  Mormons  have  terrific  families. 
I  lectured  one  night  by  invitation  in  the  Mormon 

village  of  Provost but  during  the  day  I  rashly 

gave  a  leading  Mormon  an  order  admitting  him 
self  and  family. It  was  before  I  knew  that 

he  was  much  married and  they  filled  the 

room  to  overflowing.     It  was  a  great  success 
but     I     didn't     get    any    money. 


Heber    C.    Kimball' s    Harem. Mr.    C. 

Kimball  is  the  first  vice-president  of  the  Mormon 
church — and  would — consequently — succeed  to 
the  full  presidency  on  Brigham  Young's  death. 

Brother  Kimball  is  a  gay  and  festive  cuss  of 
some    seventy   summers or    some'ers   there 


MR.  HEBER   C.   KIMBALL'S    HAREM. 


The  seraglio  of  Mr.  Kimball  is  large.  Unlike  Brigham  Young, 
he  does  not  keep  his  wives  under  one  roof,  but  has  many  buildings  in 
his  garden,  where  he  assorts  them  according  to  their  temper  and  their 
adaptability  to  dwelling  together  in  peace. 


133 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  135 

about.  He  has  one  thousand  head  of 
cattle  and  a  hundred  head  of  wives.24 
He  says  they  are  awful  eaters. 

Mr.  Kimball  had  a  son a  lovely  young- 
man who    was    married    to    ten    interesting 

o 

wives.     But   one   day while    he   was    absent 

from  home these     ten     wives     went     out 

walking  with  a  handsome  young  man — 
which  so  enraged  Mr.  Kimball's  son— which 
made  Mr.  Kimball's  son  so  jealous — that  he 
shot  himself  with  a  horse  pistuel. 

M  "A  hundred  head  of  Wives?  It  is  an  authenticated  fact 
that,  in  an  address  to  his  congregation  in  the  tabernacle, 
Heber  C.  Kimball  once  alluded  to  his  wives  by  the  endearing 
epithet  of  "  my  heifers ;"  and  on  another  occasion  politely 
spoke  of  them  as  "  his  cows."  The  phraseology  may  pos 
sibly  be  a  slight  indication  of  the  refinement  of  manners 
prevalent  in  Salt  Lake  City. 

n 


ij6  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

The    doctor   who    attended    him a   very 

scientific  man informed  me  that  the  bullet 

entered  the  inner  parallelogram  of  his  dia 
phragmatic  thorax,  superinducing  membranous 
hemorrhage  in  the  outer  cuticle  of  his  basilicon- 
thamaturgist.  It  killed  him.  I  should  have 
thought  it  would. 

(Soft  music  J™ 

I  hope  his  sad  end  will  be  a  warning  to  all 
young  wives  who  go  out  walking  with  hand 
some  young  men.  Mr.  Kimball's  son  is  now 

ft  "Soft  Music."  Here  Artemus  Ward's  pianist  (following 
instructions)  sometimes  played  the  dead  march  from  " Saul" 
At  other  times,  the  Welsh  air  of  "  Poor  Mary  Anne ;"  or  any 
thing  else  replete  with  sadness  which  might  chance  to  strike 
his  fancy.  The  effect  was  irresistibly  comic. 


\ 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  137 

no  more.  He  sleeps  beneath  the  cypress 
—  the  myrtle  —  and  the  willow.  This 
music  is  a  dirge  by  the  eminent  pianist  for  Mr. 
Kimball's  son.  He  died  by  request. 

I  regret  to  say  that  efforts  were  made  to  make 
a  Mormon  of  me  while  I  was  in  Utah. 

It  was  leap-year  when  I  was  there — and 
seventeen  young  widows the  wives  of  a  de 
ceased  Mormon offered  me  their  hearts  and 

hands.     I  called  on  them  one  day — and  taking 

their  soft  white  hands  in  mine which  made 

eighteen  hands  altogether 1  found  them 

in  tears. 

And  I  said — "Why  is  this  thus?  What  is 
the  reason  of  this  thusness?  " 


138  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

They  hove  a  sigh seventeen  sighs  of  diflerent 

Bize. They  said — 

"  Oh — soon  thou  wilt  be  gonested  away  !" 

I  told  them  that  when  I  got  ready  to  leave  a 
place  I  wentested. 

They  said—"  Doth  not  like  us  ?  " 
I  said— "I  doth -I  doth!" 

I   also   said — "  I   hope    your   intentions   are 
honourable — as   I   am   a  lone  child my  parents 

being     far— far    away. 

They  then  said — "  Wilt  not  marry  us  ?" 
I  said — "  Oh — no it  cannot  was." 

Again   they  asked  me  to   marry  them — and 
again  I  declined.     When  they  cried — • 


TABERNACLE   AND   BOWERY. 


Jl 


77ie  Tabernacle  is  the  building  to  the  left;  to  the  right  of  it,  and 
within  the  same  enclosure,  is  the  Bowery :  a  large  shed  with  boughs  of 
trees  laid  over  it,  the  sides  being  open.  In  it  religious  services  are  held 
during  the  summer  months. 


140 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  141 

"  Oh — cruel  man  !     This  is  too  much oh ! 

too  much  1" 

I  told  them  that   it  was  on  account  of 
the  muchness  that  I  declined.26 


This  is  the  Mormon  Temple. 

It  is  built  of  adobe — and  will  hold  five  thou 
sand  persons  quite  comfortably.  A  full  brass  and 

"  That  I  declined"  I  remember  one  evening  party  in 
Salt  Lake  City  to  which  Artemus  Ward  and  myself  went. 
There  were  thirty-nine  ladies  and  only  seven  gentlemen. 


H2  ARTEMUS  WARDS  LECTURE. 

string  band  often  assists  the  choir  of  this  church 

and  the  choir — I  may  add — is  a  remarkably 

good  one. 

Brigham  Young  seldom  preaches  now.  The 
younger  elders unless  on  some  special  occa 
sion conduct  the  services.  I  only  heard  Mr. 

Young  once.    He  is  not  an  educated  man but 

speaks  with  considerable  force  and  clearness. 
The  day  I  was  there  there  was  nothing  coarse  in 
his  remarks. 


The  foundations  of  the  Temple. 

These  are  the  foundations  of  the  magnificent 
Temple  the  Mormons  are  building.     It  is  to  be 


FOUNDATIONS    OF   THE    NEW   TEMPLE. 


this  picture  and  that  which  succeeds  may  be  formed  some  idea 
of  how  far  the  building  of  the  New  Temple  had  progressed  at  the  time 
of  the  lecturer's  -visit.  The  stones  were  being  shaped  into  form  by 
masons  who  contributed  their  labour  gratuitously. 


143 


FOUNDATIONS    OF    THE   TEMPLE. 

CONTINUED. 


The  block  w-  forty  rods  square,  and  contains  ten  acres.  The  position 
is  4, 300  _/£<>/  above  the  level  of  the  sea  in  latitude  40°  45'  44*  N.,  and 
longitude  112°  6'  8"  W.  of  Greenwich. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  147 

built  of  hewn  stone — and  will  cover  several  acres 
of  ground.  They  say  it  shall  eclipse  in  splendour 
all  other  temples  in  the  world.  They  also  say  it 
shall  be  paved  with  solid  gold.  * 

It  is  perhaps  worthy  of  remark  that  the  archi 
tect  of  this  contemplated  gorgeous  affair  repu 
diated  Mormonism — and  is  now  living  in  London. 


•  "Solid  Gold."  "Where  will  the  gold  be  obtained  from  ?" 
is  a  question  which  the  visitor  might  reasonably  be  expected 
to  ask.  Unquestionably  the  mountains  of  Utah  contain  the 
precious  metal,  though  it  has  not  been  the  policy  of  Brigham 
Young  and  the  chiefs  of  the  Mormon  Church  to  disclose 
their  knowledge  of  the  localities  in  which  it  is  to  be  found. 
There  is  a  current  report  in  Salt  Lake  City  that  nuggets  of 
gold  have  been  picked  up  within  a  radius  of  a  few  score  of 
miles  from  the  site  of  the  new  temple.  But  the  Mormons, 
instructed  by  their  Church,  profess  ignorance  on  the  subject. 
The  discovery  of  large  gold  mines,  and  permission  to  work 
them,  would  attract  to  the  valley  of  Salt  Lake  a  class  of  visitors 
not  wished  for  by  Brigham  Young  and  his  disciples.  Next 
to  the  construction  of  the  Pacific  Railway,  nothing  would  be 
more  conducive  to  the  downfall  of  Mormonism  than  Utah 
becoming  known  as  an  extensive  gold-field. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 
The  Temple  as  it  is  to  be. 


This  pretty  little  picture  is  from  the  architect's 

design and  cannot  therefore — I  suppose — be 

called  a  fancy  sketch.27 

Should  the  Mormons  continue  unmolested — I 
think  they  will  complete  this  rather  remarkable 
edifice. 

27  "  A  Fancy  Sketch:9  Artemus  had  the  windows  of  the 
temple  in  his  panorama  cut  out  and  filled  in  with  transparent 
coloured  paper,  so  that,  when  lighted  from  behind,  it  had  the 
effect  of  one  of  the  little  plaster  churches  with  a  piece  of 
lighted  candle  inside,  which  the  Italian  image-boys  display 
at  times  for  sale  in  the  streets.  Nothing  in  the  course  of  the 
evening  pleased  Artemus  more  than  to  notice  the  satisfaction 
with  which  this  meretricious  piece  of  absurdity  was  received 
by  the  audience. 


THE   TEMPLE    AS    IT    IS    TO    BE. 


QQQlQh^^ 


The  mew  is  copied  from  the  original  drawing  by  Mr.  Truman  O. 
Angell,  the  architect.  There  is  very  little  chance  under  present  cir 
cumstances  that  the  Temple  will  be  completed.  The  formation  of  the 
Pacific  Railway  will,  in  all  probability,  cause  the  Mormons  to  seek 
a  home  elsewhere. 


149 


PART  OF  THE  GREAT  SALT  LAKE. 


//  is  situated  in  the  north-eastern  corner  of  Utah  Territory,  to  the 
north-west  of  the  valley  of  Salt  Lake  and  about  eighteen  miles  from  the 
city.  Its  length  is  nearly  seventy  miles ;  its  breadth  from  thirty  to 
thirty-five  miles.  (N.B. — This  is  the  moon  in  the  management  of 
which  Artemns  Ward's  "  moonist "  was  apt  to  experience  difficulty^) 

152 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  153 

Great  Salt  Lake. The  great  salt  dead  sea 

of  the  desert. 


I  know  of  no  greater  curiosity  than  this  inland 
sea  of  thick  brine.  It  is  eighty  miles  wide — and 
one  hundred  and  thirty  miles  long.  Solid  masses 
of  salt  are  daily  washed  ashore  in  immense  heaps 
— and  the  Mormon  in  want  of  salt  has  only  to  go 
to  the  shore  of  this  lake  and  fill  his  cart.  Only — 
the  salt  for  table  use  has  to  be  subjected  to  a 
boiling  process.28 

S3  "  The  Great  Salt  Lake"  A  very  general  mistake  prevails 
among  those  not  better  informed  that  the  Mormon  capital  is 
built  upon  the  borders  of  the  Salt  Lake.  There  are  eighteen 
miles  of  distance  between  them.  Not  from  any  part  of  the 


154  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

These  are  facts — susceptible  of  the  clearest 
possible  proof.  They  tell  one  story  about  this 
lake — however — that  I  have  my  doubts  about. 
They  say  a  Mormon  farmer  drove  forty  head  of 
cattle  in  there  once — and  they  came  out 
first-rate  pickled  beef. 

***** 

*  *  *  *  * 

*  *  *  *  * 
***** 
***** 


City  proper  can  a  view  of  the  Lake  be  obtained.  To  get  a 
glimpse  of  it  without  journeying  towards  it,  the  traveller  must 
ascend  to  one  of  the  rocky  ledges  in  the  range  of  mountains 
which  back  the  city.  So  saline  is  the  water  of  the  lake,  that 
three  pailsful  of  it  are  said  to  yield  on  evaporation  one  pail 
ful  of  salt.  I  never  saw  the  experiment  tried. 


THE   GREAT  SALT  JLAKE. 

PRECEDING   VIEW   CONTINUED. 


This  Dead  Sea  of  the  Western  world  is  supplied  with  fresh  water 
from  three  rivers — the  Bear  River,  the  Weber,  and  the  Jordan.  The 
water,  according  to  Captain  Burtorfs  statement,  contains  six  times 
and  a  half  more  solid  matter  than  the  average  solid  constituents  of 
sea  water. 


155 


A  t  this ^p art  of  the  entertainment  the  lights  in  the  room  were  turned 
up,  and  the  audience  allowed  a  very  brief  u  interval  for  refresh 
ments"  Artemus  Ward  had  to  recover  from  the  fatigue  of  attend 
ing  to  the  moon. 


158 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  159 

I  sincerely  hope  you  will  excuse  my  absence 

1  am  a  man  short — and  have  to  work  the 

moon  myself.29 

I  shall  be  most  happy  to  pay 
a  good  salary  to  any  respectable 
boy  of  good  parentage  and  edu 
cation  who  is  a  good  moonist. 

n  "  The  Moon  myself"  Here  Artemus  would  leave  the 
rostrum  for  a  few  moments,  and  pretend  to  be  engaged 
behind.  The  picture  was  painted  for  a  night-scene,  and  the 
effect  intended  to  be  produced  was  that  of  the  moon  rising 
over  the  lake  and  rippling  on  the  waters.  It  was  produced  in 
the  usual  dioramic  way,  by  making  the  track  of  the  moon 
transparent  and  throwing  the  moon  on  from  the  bull's  eye  of 
a  lantern.  When  Artemus  went  behind,  the  moon  would 
become  nervous  and  flickering,  dancing  up  and  down  in  the 
most  inartistic  and  undecided  manner.  The  result  was  that, 
coupled  with  the  lecturer's  oddly  expressed  apology,  the 
"moon"  became  one  of  the  best  laughed-at  parts  of  the 
entertainment. 


160  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

The  Endowment  House.30 


In  this  building  the  Mormon  is  initiated  into 
the  mysteries  of  the  faith. 

Strange  stories  are  told  of  the  proceedings 

which  are  held  in  this  building but  I  have  no 

possible  means  of  knowing  how  true  they  may  be. 

80  "  The  Endowment  House."  To  the  young  ladies  of  Utah 
this  edifice  possesses  extreme  interest.  The  Mormon  cere 
mony  of  marriage  is  said  to  be  of  the  most  extraordinary 
character  ;  various  symbolical  scenes  being  enacted,  and  the 
bride  and  bridegroom  invested  with  sacred  garments  which 
they  are  never  to  part  with.  In  all  Salt  Lake  I  could  not  find 
a  person  who  would  describe  to  me  the  ceremonies  of  the 
Endowment  House,  nor  could  Artemus  or  myself  obtain 
admission  within  its  mystic  walls. 


THE  ENDOWMENT  HOUSE. 


That  'which  takes  place  within  this  building  travellers  may  guess 
at  but  are  not  permitted  to  know.  It  is  where  the  Mormon  marriages 
are  celebrated.  On  the  mountain  above  a  figure  out  of  all  proportion 
to  the  scenery  is  supposed  to  represent  Artemus  Ward  attacked  by  a 
bear  in  front  and  a  pack  of  wolves  in  the  rear. 

161 


ENTRANCE  TO  ECHO  CANYON. 


High  bluffs  of  yellow  colour  and  conglomerate  formation,  full  of 
small  fossils.  The  buildings  at  the  base  constitute  Weber's  Station, 
where  the  coach  stops  for  the  7nules  to  be  changed,  and  the  passengers 
to  obtain  refreshments. 


164 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  ,65 

Echo  Canyon. 


Salt  Lake  City  is  fifty-five  miles  behind  us — 
and  this  is  Echo  Canyon — in  reaching  which  we 
are  supposed  to  have  crossed  the  summit  of  the 
Wahsatch  Mountains.  These  ochre-coloured 

bluffs formed  of  conglomerate  sandstone — - 

and  full  of  fossils signal  the  entrance  to  the 

Canyon.     At  its  base  lies  Weber  Station. 

Echo  Canyon  is  about  twenty-five  miles  Ion"-. 
It  is  really  the  sublimest  thing  between  the  Mis 
souri  and  the  Sierra  Nevada.  The  red  wall  to 
the  left  develops  further  up  the  Canyon  into 

pyramids  —  buttresses  —  and    castles honey 

combed    and    fretted   in   nature's    own   massive 
magnificence  of  architecture. 


1 66  ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE. 

In  1856 — Echo  Canyon  was  the  place  selected 
by  Brigham  Young  for  the  Mormon  General 
Wells  to  fortify  and  make  impregnable  against 
the  advance  of  the  American  army — led  by 
General  Albert  Sidney  Johnson.  It  was  to  have 

been  the  Thermopylae  of  Mormondom but  it 

wasn't.      General    Wells    was    to    have    done 
Leonidas but  he  didn't. 


A  more  cheerful  view  of  the  Desert. 

The  wild  snow  storms  have  left  us — and  we 
have  thrown  our  wolf-skin  overcoats  aside.  Cer 
tain  tribes  of  far-western  Indians  bury  their  dis 
tinguished  dead  by  placing  them  high  in  air  and 

covering  them  with  valuable  furs that  is  a  very 

fair  representation  of  these  mid-air  tombs.    Those 


THE   INDIANS   ON   THE   PLAINS. 


On  the  right  of  the  picture  is  the  scaffold  erected  for  an  Indian 
grave.  The  corpse  is  placed  on  the  top  of  it,  out  of  the  way  of  the 
wolves,  though  not  so  protected  but  what  the  vultures  and  other  birds 
of  carrion  soon  render  it  a  mere  skeleton. 


167 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  t6g 

animals  are  horses 1  know  they  are— because 

my  artist  says  so.      I  had  the  picture  two  years 

before  I  discovered  the  fact. The  artist  came 

to  me  about  six  months  ago — and  said "  It  is 

useless  to  disguise  it  from  you  any  longer- 

they     are     horses."31 

It  was  while  crossing  this  desert  that  I  was 
surrounded  by  a  band  of  Ute   Indians.      They 

were   splendidly   mounted they  were  dressed 

in   beaver-skins and    they  were  armed   with 

rifles — knives — and  pistols. 

What  could  I  do  ?-  -What  could  a  poor  old 

orphan   do?      I'm   a   brave   man. The   day 

before  the  Battle  of  Bull's  Run  I  stood  in  the 
highway  while  the  bullets-  -those  dreadful 
messengers  of  death-  -were  passing  all 
around  me  thickly IN  WAGGONS on 

n  "  They  are  Horses."  Here  again  Artemus  called  in  the 
aid  of  pleasant  banter  as  the  most  fitting  apology  for  the 
atrocious  badness  of  the  painting. 


i7o  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

their  way  to   the  battle  field.32      But  there 

were  too  many  of  these  Injuns there  were 

forty  of  them — and  only  one  of  me and  so  I 

said— 

"  Great  Chief— I  surrender."     His  name  was 
Wocky-bocky. 

He  dismounted — and  approached  me.      I  saw 
his   tomahawk   glisten  in  the  morning  sunlight. 


Fire  was  in  his  eye.  Wocky-bocky  came  very 
close  to  me  and  seized  me  by  the  hair  of  my  head. 
He  mingled  his  swarthy  fingers  with  my  golden 

83  "  Their  way  to  the  battle-field"  This  was  the  great  joke 
of  Artemus  Ward's  first  lecture,  "The  Babes  in  the  Wood." 
He  never  omitted  it  in  any  of  his  lectures,  nor  did  it  lose  its 
power  to  create  laughter  by  repetition.  The  audiences  at  the 
Egyptian  Hall,  London,  laughed  as  immoderately  at  it  as  did 
those  of  Irving  Hall,  New  York,  or  of  the  Tremont  Temple 
in  Boston. 


OUR   ENCOUNTER  WITH   THE   INDIANS. 


Utah  Territory  contains  Indians  of  two  races — the  Shoshones  and 
the  Utes.  The  Utes  are  very  friendly  with  the  Mormons,  who  treat 
them  with  uniform  kindness.  It  is  commonly  believed  that  a  secret 
treaty  of  alliance  exists  between  Brigham  Yoimg  and  the  chief s  of  the 
Indian  tribes.  (The  left  hand  portion  of  the  illustration  belongs  to 
the  preceding  picture?) 

171 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


,7J 


tresses  -  and  he  rubbed  his  dreadful  Thomas- 
hawk  across  my  lily-white  face.     He  said— 

'  Torsha  arrah  darrah  mishky  bookshean  I" 
I  told  him  he  was  right. 

Wocky-bocky  again  rubbed  his  tomahawk 
across  my  face,  and  said—  "  Wink-ho—loo-boo  !" 

Says  I—  "Mr.  Wocky-bocky"—  says  I  _ 
:<\Vocky—  I  have  thought  so  for  years—  and 
so's  all  our  family." 

He  told  me  I  must  go  the  tent  of  the  Stron<r- 

Heart-and  eat  raw  dog."    It  don't  agree  with 

me.     I  prefer  simple  food.     I  prefer  pork-pie 

-because  then  I  know  what  I'm  eating. 


*"  While  sojournins  for  a  ^  in  a  c™p  °f 

x  Indians  we  were  informed  that  the  warriors  of  the  tribe 
were  accustomed  to  eat  raw  dog  to  give  them  courage  previous 
to  gomg  to  battle.  Artemus  was  greatly  amused  with  the 
information.  When,  in  after  years,  he  became  weak  and 
hnguid,  and  was  called  upon  to  go  to  lecture,  it  was  a 


174  ARTEMUS  VSARD'S  LECTURE. 

But  as  raw  dog  was  all  they  proposed  to  give  to 
me — I  had  to  eat  it  or  starve.  So  at  the  expira 
tion  of  two  days  I  seized  a  tin  plate  and  went 
to  the  chief's  daughter — and  I  said  to  her  in  a 

silvery  voice in  a  kind  of  German-silvery 

voice 1  said — 

"  Sweet  child  of  the  forest,  the  pale-face  wants 
his  dog." 

There  was  nothing  but  his  paws !  I  had 
paused  too  long!  Which  reminds  me  that 

time  passes.      A    way   which  time   has. 

I  was  told  in  my  youth  to  seize  opportunity. 
I  once  tried  to  seize  one.  He  was  rich.  He  had 
diamonds  on.  As  I  seized  him — he  knocked  me 
down.  Since  then  I  have  learned  that  he  who 
seizes  opportunity  sees  the  penitentiary. 


The  Rocky  Mountains. 


THE   ROCKY   MOUNTAINS. 


The  view  may  recall  to  those  who  have  seen  it  Mr.  Bierstadfs 
celebrated  picture.  Unfortunately  for  us,  -when  ive  crossed,  every 
inch  of  the  ground  was  covered  with  snow. 


175 


THE   ROCKY   MOUNTAINS   SCENERY. 


This  picture  is  a  continuation  of  the  preceding  view.  In  the  course 
of  the  journey,  Artemus  Ward  passed  a  day  among  an  encampment 
of  Sioux,  whose  numbers  must  have  exceeded  three  thousand. 


177 


ARTEMUS  V/ARD'S  LECTURE.  179 

I  take  it  for  granted  you  have  heard  of  these 
popular  mountains.  In  America  they  are 
regarded  as  a  great  success,  and  we  all  love 
dearly  to  talk  about  them.  It  is  a  kind  of  weak 
ness  with  us.  I  never  knew  but  one  American 
who  hadn't  something — sometime — to  say  about 

the  Rocky  Mountains and  he  was  a  deaf  and 

dumb   man,   who   couldn't   say   anything   about 
nothing. 

But  these  mountains — whose  summits  are 
snow-covered  and  icy  all  the  year  round — are  too 
grand  to  make  fun  of.  I  crossed  them  in  the 
winter  of  '64 — in  a  rough  sleigh  drawn  by  four 

mules. 

This  sparkling  waterfall  is  the  Laughing- 
Water  alluded  to  by  Mr.  Longfellow  in  his  Indian 
poem  —  "  Higher  -Water."  The  water  is 
higher  up  there. 


i8o  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


The  plains  of  Colorado. 

These  are  the  dreary  plains  over  which  we 
rode  for  so  many  weary  days.  An  affecting  inci 
dent  occurred  on  these  plains  some  time  since, 
which  I  am  sure  you  will  pardon  me  for  intro 
ducing  here. 

On  a  beautiful  June  morning — some  sixteen 
years  ago 

f Music %  very  loud  till  the  scene  is  off.J 

ft.  ft  ft  ft  ft 

ft  ft  ft  ft  ft 

ft  ft  ft  ft  O 

•  ft  ft  ft  41 


THE   PLAINS   OF   COLORADO. 


gj^^XXXXXX^^ 


@ji^^ 


This  view  and  the  one  which  follows  it  convey  a  faint  idea  of  the 
barrenness  and  desolation  of  a  portion  of  the  journey. 


181 


CROSSING    THE    PLAINS. 

AN   EMIGRANT   CARAVAN. 


Nearly  all  the  inhabitants  of  Salt  Lake  City  have  had  to  travel 
thither  in  emigrant  trains-,  undergoing  countless  hardships  on  the 
way.  The  skeletons  of  animals  and  the  remains  of  broken-down 
vehicles  serve  to  mark  out  the  track. 


183 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  ,85 


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*                            *                            * 

*           * 

*                           *                            * 

*           * 

*                           *                            # 

*          * 

<*                           *                            * 

1  _       •          1  *• 

"On  Reginald's  breast."  At  this  part  of  the  lecture 
Artemus  pretended  to  tell  a  story-the  piano  playing  loudly 
all  the  time.  He  continued  his  narration  in  excited  dumb- 
show— his  lips  moving  as  though  he  were  speaking.  For 
some  minutes  the  audience  indulged  in  unrestrained  laughter. 


1 86  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

The  Prairie  on  Fire. 


A  prairie  on  fire  is  one  of  the  wildest  and 
grandest  sights  that  can  possibly  be  imagined. 

These  fires  occur — of  course — in  the  summer 

— when  the  grass   is   dry  as  tinder and   the 

flames  rush  and  roar  over  the  prairie  in  a  manner 
frightful  to  behold.  They  usually  burn  better 
than  mine  is  burning  to-night.  I  try  to  make 
my  prairie  burn  regularly — and  not  dis 
appoint  the  public but  it  is  not  as 

high-principled  as  I  am.35 

*"As  high-principled  as  I  am"     The  scene  was  a  trans 
parent  one — the  light  from  behind  so  managed  as  to  give  the 


THE   PRAIRIE    ON   FIRE. 


Artemus  Ward  had  an  opportunity  of  seeing  part  of  a  Prairie  on 
Fire,  just  as  he  entered  the  State  of  Kansas.  The  grandeur  of  the 
scene  made  a  very  deep  impression  upon  him.  He  frequently  alluded 
to  it  in  conversation. 


187 


THE   P~R~A"IRIE   ON    FIRE. 

CONTINUED. 


TOWTO 


!\/£ii^^ 


The  effect  of  the  Prairie  being  on  Fire  was  illustrated  in  the 
panorama  by  means  of  a  revolving  cloth  behind;  a  portion  of  the 
picture  being  transparent. 


189 


BRIGHAM   YOUNG   AT   HOME. 


77its  is,  of  coiirse,  a  mere  fancy  sketch.  It  was  roughly  designed 
by  Artemus  Ward  himself .  According  to  his  own  statement,  made 
in  a  very  playful  manner,  it  represents  that  which  he  saw  on  an 
afternoon  passed  with  the  prophet  at  the  palace. 


192 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTUXZ. 
Brigham  Young  at  home. 


The  last  picture  I  have  to  show  you  represents 
Mr.  Brigham  Young  in  the  bosom  of  his  family. 
His  family  is  large  — and  the  olive  branches 
around  his  table  are  in  a  very  tangled  condition. 
He  is  more  a  father  than  any  man  I  know. 

When  at  home as  you  here  see  him he 

ought   to   be  very  happy  with  sixty  wives 

effect  of  the  prairie  on  fire.  Artemus  enjoyeJ  the  joke  of 
letting  the  fire  go  out  occasionally,  and  then  allowing  it  to 
relight  itself. 


,94.  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE 

to    minister  to    his   comforts  — and  twice 
sixty    children    to    soothe    his    distracted 

mind.       Ah!    my   friends what  is  home  without 

a  family! 

What  will  become  of  Mormonism  ?    We  all 

know  and  admit  it  to  be  a  hideous  wrong a 

great  immoral  stain  upon  the  'scutcheon  of  the 
United  States.  My  belief  is  that  its  existence  is 
dependent  upon  the  life  of  Brigham  Young. 
His  administrative  ability  holds  the  system  to 
gether his  power  of  will  maintains  it  as  the 

faith  of  a  community.  When  he  dies— Mor 
monism  will  die  too.  The  men  who  are  around 
him  have  neither  his  talent  nor  his  energy.  By 
means  of  his  strength  it  is  held  together.  When 
he  falls— Mormonism  will  also  fall  to  pieces. 


ARTEMUS   WARD'S  LECTURE.  ,95 

5  That  lion— you  perceive— has  a  tail.  It  is  a 
long  one  already.  Like  mine— it  is  to  be  con 
tinued  in  our  next.37 


THE     END. 


Lion  has  a  tail."  The  lion  on  a  pedestal,  as 
painted  in  the  panorama—its  tail  outstretched  like  that  of  the 
leonine  adornment  to  Northumberland  House,  was  a  pure 
piece  of  frolic  on  the  part  of  the  entertainer.  Brigham 
Young  certainly  adopts  the  lion  as  a  Mormon  emblem.  A 
beehive  and  a  lion,  suggestive  of  industry  and  strength,  are 
the  symbols  of  the  Mormons  in  Salt  Lake  City. 

87  "  To  be  continued  in  our  next."  To  re-visit  Utah,  and  to 
do  another  and  a  better  lecture  about  it  was  a  favourite  idea 
of  Artemus  Ward.  Another  fancy  that  he  had  was  to  visit  the 


196  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE 

stranger  countries  of  the  Eastern  world  and  find  in  some  of 
them  matter  for  a  humorous  lecture.  While  ill  in  Utah,  he 
read  Mr.  Layard's  book  on  Nineveh,  left  behind  at  the  hotel 
by  a  traveller  passing  through  Salt  Lake.  Mr.  Layard's  refer 
ence  to  the  Yezedi,  or  "  Devil  worshippers,"  took  powerful 
hold  on  the  imagination  of  the  reader.  During  our  trip  home 
across  the  plains  he  would  often,  sometimes  in  jest  and  some 
times  in  earnest,  chat  about  a  trip  to  Asia  to  see  the  "  Devil 
worshippers."  Naturally  his  inclinations  were  nomadic,  and 
had  a  longer  life  been  granted  to  him  I  believe  that  he  would 
have  seen  more  of  the  surface  of  this  globe  than  even  the 
generality  of  his  countrymen  see,  much  as  they  are  accustomed 
to  travel.  Within  about  the  same  distance  from  Portland  in 
England  that  his  own  birth-place  is  from  Portland  in  Maine, 
his  travels  came  to  an  end.  He  died  at  Southampton.  His 
great  wish  was  for  strength  to  return  to  his  home,  that  he 
might  die  with  the  face  of  his  own  mother  bending  over  him, 
and  in  the  cottage  where  he  was  born. 


..;...      "C(ELUMQUE 
ET    MORIENS    DULCES    REMINISCITUR   ARGOS." 

E.  P.  H. 


THE   PROSCENIUM 

WITH     THE     CURTAIN     DOWN. 


The  curtain  fell  for  the  last  time  on  Wednesday,  the  2^rd  of  Janu 
ary,  1867.  Artemus  Ward  had  to  break  off  the  lecture  abruptly. 
He  never  lectured  again. ' 


197 


APPENDIX. 


"THE    TIMES"    NOTICE. 

"EGYPTIAN  HALL.— Before  a  large  audience,  comprising 

an  extraordinary  number  of  literary  celebrities,  Mr.  Artemus 

Ward,  the  noted  American  humorist,  made  his  first  appearance 

as  a  pub  he  lecturer  on  Tuesday  evening,  the  place  selected  for 

ie  display  of  his  quaint  oratory  being  the  room  long  tenanted 

by  Mr.  Arthur  Sketchley.      His  first  entrance  on  the  platform 

was  the  signal  for  loud  and  continuous  laughter  and  applau  £ 

denoting  a  degree  of  expectation  which  a  nervous  mai  might 

have  feared  to  encounter.      However,  his  first  sentences,  aVd 

he  way  m  which  they  were  received,  amply  sufficed  to  prove 

hat  his  success  was  certain.     The  dialect  of  Artemus  bears  a 

less  evident  mark  of  the  Western  World  than  that  of  many 

American  actors,  who  would  Tiin  mpro-^  \\\C*\T  •i-    •  • 

i     j  »uuiu  lain  merge  tneir  own  peculiarities 

^^^^^  ^l^61" ;  but  his  J°kes  are  of  that 
true  1  ransatlantic  type,  to  which  no  nation  beyond  the  limits 

trie  btates  can  offer  any  parallel.     These  iokes  he 

With    or»    ai*    /->f    ^_^r« 1    __  .  J  '•'•^ 


w  th  an  arnf  -  °es     e  a 

with  an  air  of  profound  unconsciousness—  we  may  almost  sav 

°'WhiCh  '          S'1SiM    dro11'  ^edas'itisb     he 


o  y    ro'        easitisby  he 

effect  of  a  figure  singularly  gaunt  and  lean  and  a  face  to  match 
And  he  has  found  an  audience  by  whom  hi5  caustic  humour  is 
thoroughly  appreciated.  Not  one  of  the  odd  pleasantries 
slipped  out  with  such  imperturbable  gravity  misses  its  ma  k 

" 


t,  Of  which  the 

Th       °rC      t0  paUSe  tU1  the  roar  of  mirth  has  sub- 
There   is   certainly   this   foundation  for  an   entente 

&±     bh7fhn   FetrV°UntriCS  Ca"inS  themselves  Anglo! 
baxon,   that  the  Englishman,  puzzled  by   Yankee  colitics 

eaTnfe  hyis^neS  \^'^'  th°«Sh^ey  arfnot^n  the 
like  his  own.     When  two  persons  lauffh  together  thw 
cannot  hate  each  other  much  so  long  as  tlAugtf  continues 


NOTICE. 

The  subject  of  Artemus  Ward's  lecture  is  a  visit  to  the 
Mormons,  copiously  illustrated  by  a  series  of  moving  pic 
tures,  not  much  to  be  commended  as  works  of  art,  but  for  the 
most  part  well  enough  executed  to  give  (fidelity  granted)  a 
notion  of  life  as  it  is  among  the  remarkable  inhabitants  of 
Utah.  Nor  let  the  connoisseur,  who  detects  the  shortcomings 
of  some  of  these  pictures,  fancy  that  he  has  discovered  a  flaw 
in  the  armour  of  the  doughty  Artemus.  That  astute  gentle 
man  knows  their  worth  as  well  as  anybody  else,  and  while  he 
ostensibly  extols  them,  as  a  showman  is  bound  to  do,  he  every 
now  and  then  holds  them  up  to  ridicule  in  a  vein  of  the 
deepest  irony.  In  one  case  a  palpable  error  of  perspective, 
by  which  a  man  is  made  equal  in  size  to  a  mountain,  has 
been  purposely  committed,  and  the  shouts  of  laughter  that 
arise  as  soon  as  the  ridiculous  picture  appears  is  tremendous. 
But  there  is  no  mirth  in  the  face  of  Artemus  ;  he  seems  even 
deaf  to  the  roar ;  and  when  he  proceeds  to  the  explanation 
of  the  landscape,  he  touches  on  the  ridiculous  point  in  a  slur 
ring  way  that  provokes  a  new  explosion. 

The  particulars  of  the  lecture  we  need  not  describe.  Many 
accounts  of  the  Mormons,  more  or  less  credible,  and  all 
authenticated,  have  been  given  by  serious  historians,  and  Mr. 
W.  H.  Dixon,  who  has  just  returned  from  Utah  to  London, 
is  said  to  have  brought  with  him  new  stores  of  solid  informa 
tion.  But  to  most  of  us  Mormonism  is  still  a  mystery,  and 
under  those  circumstances  a  lecturer  who  has  professedly 
visited  a  country  for  the  sake  more  of  picking  up  fun  than 
of  sifting  facts,  and  whose  chief  object  it  must  be  to  make 
his  narrative^  'imusing,  can  scarcely  be  accepted  as  an 
authority.  We  will,  therefore,  content  ourselves  with  stating 
that  the  lecture  is  entertaining  to  such  a  degree  that  to  those 
who  seek  amusement  its  brevity  is  its  only  fault ;  that  it  is 
utterly  free  from  offence,  though  the  opportunities  for  offence 
given  by  the  subject  of  Mormonism  are  obviously  numerous  ; 
and  that  it  is  interspersed,  not  only  with  irresistible  jokes, 
but  with  shrewd  remarks,  proving  that  Artemus  Wird  is  a 
man  of  reflection,  as  well  as  a  consummate  humorist." 


HGYPTIAH 

PICCADILLY. 


Every  Night  (except  Saturday)  at  8. 

SATURDAY   MORNINGS   AT   3. 


AMONG  THE  MORMONS. 


During  the  Vacation  the  Hall  has  been  carefully  Swept  out, 
and  a  new  Door-Knob  has  been  added  to  the  Door. 


Ma.  ARTEMUS  WARD  will  call  on  the  Citizens  of  London,  at  their  resilcncet, 
and  explain  any  jokes  in  his  narrative  which  they  may  not  understand. 


A  person  of  long-established  integrity  will  tafee  excellent  care  of  Bonnet  a, 
Cloaks,  etc.,  during  the  Entertainment ;  the  Audience  better  leave  their 
money,  however,  with  Mr.  WARD  ;  he  will  return  it  to  them  in  a  day  or 
two,  or  invest  it  for  them  in  America  as  they  may  think  best. 

203 


3"  Nobody  must  say  that  he  likes  the  Lecture  unless  he  wishes  to  be 
thought  eccentric ;  and  nobody  must  say  that  ho  doesn't  like  it  unless 
he  really  is  eccentric.  (This  requires  thinking  over,  but  it  will  amply 
repay  perusal.) 


The  Panorama  used  to  Illustrate  Mr.  WARD'S  Narrative  is 
rather  worse  than  Panoramas  usually  are. 


Mr.  WARD  will  not  be  responsible  for  any  debts  of  his  own  contracting. 


PR®  (BRA  01 U1B. 


i. 

APPEARANCE  OF  ARTEMUS  WARD, 

Who  will  be  greeted  with  applause.  l^T  The  Stall-keeper  is  particularly 
rcquestd  to  attend  to  this.  ^>  "When  quiet  has  been  restored,  the 
Lecturer  will  present  a  rather  fritky  prologue,  of  about  ten  minutes 
in  length,  and  of  nearly  the  same  width.  It  perhaps  isn't  necessary  to 
speak  of  the  depth: 

II. 

THE  PICTURES  COMMENCE  HERE,  tho  first  one  being  a  view 
of  the  California  Steamship.  Largo  crowd  of  citizens  on  the  wharf,  who 
appear  to  be  entirely  willing  that  ABTEMVS  WARD  shall  go.  "  Bless  you, 
Sir!"  they  say.  "Don't  hurry  about  coming  back.  Stay  away  for 
years,  if  you  want  to  !  "  It  was  very  touching.  Disgraceful  treatment  of 
tho  passengers,  who  are  obliged  to  go  forward  to  smoke  pipes,  while  th ••• 
steamer  herself  is  allowed  2  Smoke  Pipes  amid- ships.  At  Panama.  A 
glance  at  Mexico. 
204 


III. 
The  Land  of  Gold 


Theatre.       zteea  -          of  a  Chiaesa  Comic  80 

IV. 

The  Land  of  Silver 


young  men  6oing  to  thi,  p,aco  withut 

V. 

The  Great  Desert  at  Night 

inL^p;;?^  runtaJhes  ?•  *  worth  savinB- 

trundling  their  war-  hoop3!  J1ID8  86en  in  the 

VI. 

A  Bird's-eye  View  of  Great  Salt 
Lake  City. 

With  some  entirely  descriptive  talk. 
VII. 

Main.  Street,  East  Side 


VIII. 

The  Mormon  Theatre. 


Satsa-=wsi=iS25 

205 


IX. 

Main  Street,  West  Side. 

This  being  a  view  of  Main  Street,  West  Side,  it  is  naturally  a  view  of 
the  West  Side  of  Main  Street. 

X. 

Brigham  Young's  Harem. 

Mr.  Young  is  an  indulgent  father,  and  a  numerous  husband.  For 
farther  particulars  call  on  Mr.  WARD,  at  Egyptian  Hall,  any  Evening 
this  Week.  This  paragraph  is  intended  to  blend  business  with  amusement. 

XL 

Heber  C.  Kimball's  Harem. 

We  have  only  to  repeat  htre  the  pleasant  remarks  above  in  regard  to 
Brigham. 


INTERMISSION  OF  FIVE  MINUTES. 


XII. 

The  Tabernacle. 

xnr 
The  Temple  as  it  is. 

XIV. 

The  Temple  as  it  is  to  be. 

xv. 
The  Great  Salt  Lake. 


K>6 


XVL 

The  Endowment  House. 

The  Mormon  ia  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of  his  faith  here.  The 
Mormon's  religion  is  singular  and  his  wives  are  plural. 

XVII. 

Echo  Canyon. 

XVIII 

The  Desert,  again. 

A  more  cheerful  view.  The  Plains  of  Colorado.  The  Colorado 
Mountains  "might  have  been  seen"  in  the  distance,  if  the  Artist  had 
painted  'em.  But  he  is  prejudiced  against  mountains,  because  his  uncle 
once  got  lost  on  one. 

XIX. 

Brigham  Young  and  his  wives.  The  pretty  girls  of  Utah  mostly  marry 
Young. 

XX 

he  Rocky  Mountains. 


XXI. 

The  Plains  of  Nebraska. 

XXII. 

The  Prairie  on  Fire. 

207 


RECOMMENDATIONS. 

TOTNES,  Oct.  20th,  1866. 


My  dear  Sir,  —  My  \cife  wa,s  dangerously  unwell  for  over  sixteen 
years.  She  was  so  weak  that  she  could  not  lift  a  teaspoon  to  her  mouth. 
Bat  in  a  fortunate  moment  she  commenced  reading  one  of  your  lectures. 
She  got  better  at  once.  She  gained  strength  so  rapidly  that  she  lifted  the 
cottage  piano  quite  a  distance  from  the  floor,  and  then  tipped  it  over  on 
to  her  mother-in-law,  with  whom  she  had  had  some  little  trouble.  "We 
like  your  lectures  very  much.  Please  send  me  a  barrel  of  them.  If  you 
should  require  any  more  recommendations,  you  can  get  any  number  of 
them  in  this  place,  at  two  shillings  each,  the  price  I  charge  for  this  one, 
and  I  trust  you  may  be  ever  happy. 

I  am,  Sir, 
Yours  truly,  and  so  is  my  wife, 

R.  SPRINGERS. 


An  American  correspondent  of  a  distinguished  journal  in  Yorkshire 
thus  speaks  of  Mr.  WAKD'S  power  as  an  Orator  : — 

-•  It  was  a  /rand  bcene,  MLT.  AUTEMHS  WARD  standing  on  the  platform, 
talking  ;  many  of  the  audience  sleeping  tranquilly  in  their  seats  ;  others, 
leaving  the  room  and  not  returning  ;  others  crying  like  a  child  at  some  of 
the  jokes— all,  all  formed  a  most  impressive  scene,  and  showed  the  powers 
of  this  remarkable  orator.  And  when  he  announced  that  he  should  never 
lecture  in  that  town  again,  the  applause  was  absolutely  deafening." 

Doors  open  at  Half -past  Seven,  commence  at  Eight. 
Conclude  at  Half-past  Nine. 

EVERY  EVENING  EXCEPT  SATURDAY. 

SATURDAY  AFTERNOONS  at  3  p.m. 
203 


ARTEMUS    WARD, 
HMs  programme* 

Dodworth     Hall,     806,     Broadway, 

OPEN    EVERY    EVENING. 


1. — Introductory. 

2. — The  Steamer  Ariel,  en  route. 

3. — San  Francisco. 

4. — The  Washoe  Silver  Kegion. 

5.— The  Plains. 

6.  —The  City  of  Saints. 

7. — A  Mormon  Hotel. 

8. — Brigham  Young's  Theatre. 

9. — The  Council-House. 
10. — The  Home  of  Brigham  Young. 
11.— Heber  C.  Kimball's  Seraglio. 
12. — The  Mormon  House  of  Worship. 
13. — Foundations  of  the  New  Temple. 
14. — Architect's  View  of  the  Temple  when 
15.— The  Great  Dead  Sea  of  the  Desert. 
16. — The  House  of  Mystery. 
17.— The  Canon. 
18.— Mid-Air  Sepulture, 
19. — A  Nice  Family  Party  at  Brigham  Young' 


It  requires  a  large  number  of  Artists  to  produce  this  Entertainment* 
The  casual  observer  can  form  no  idea  of  the  quantity  of  unfettered  genius 
that  is  soaring,  like  a  healthy  Eagle,  round  this  Hall  in  connection  with 
this  Entertainment.  In  fact,  the  following  gifted  persons  compose  the 

Official 

Secretary  of  the  Exterior Mr.  E.  P.  Hingston. 

Secretary  of  the  Treasury Herr  Max  Field, 

(Pupil  of  Signer  Thomaro  Jacksoni.) 

Mechanical  Director  and  Professor  of  Carpentry Signer  Gr.  Wilsoni- 

Crankist     Mons.  Aleck* 

Assistant  Crankist Boy  (orphan). 

Artists  Messrs.  Hilliard  &  Maeder. 

Reserved  Chairists Messrs.  Persee  &  Jerome. 

Moppist Signorina  O'Flaherty. 

Broomist Mile.  Topsia  de  St.  Moke. 

Hired  Man John. 

Fighting  Editor   Chevalier  McArone. 

Dutchman By  a  Polish  Refugee,  named  McFinnigin. 

Doortendist  Mons.  Jacques  Ridera. 

Gas  Man   Artemus  Ward. 


This  Entertainment  will  open  with  music.      The  Soldiers'  Chorus  from 
"  Faust."     1^1°  First  time  in  this  city.  «^| 


*% 

Next  comes  a  jocund  and  discursive  preamble,  calculated  to  show  what 
a  good  education  the  Lecturer  has. 

*** 

View  the  first  is  a  sea- view. — Ariel  navigation.— Normal  school  of 
whales  in  the  distance.— Isthmus  of  Panama.— Interesting  interview  with 
Old  Panama  himself,  who  makes  all  the  hats.  Old  Pan.  is  a  likely  sort  of 

man. 

*% 

San  Francisco.— City  with  a  vigilant  government.— Miners  allowed  to 
vote.    Old  inhabitants  so  rich  that  they  have  legs  with  golden  calves  to 
them. 
210 


Town  in  the  Silver  region.— Good  quarters  to  be  found  there,— 
Playful  population,  fond  of  high-low-jack  and  homicide.— Silver  lying 
around  loose.— Thefts  of  it  termed  silver-guilt. 


The  plains  in  Winter.— A  wild  Moor,  like  Othello.— Mountains  in  the 
distance  forty  thousand  miles  above  the  level  of  the  highest  sea  (Musiani's 
chest  C  included). — If  you  don't  believe  this  you  can  go  there  and  measur 
them  for  yourself. 

*»* 

Mormodom,  sometimes  called  the  City  of  the  Plain,  but  wrongly ; 
the  women  are  quite  pretty. — View  of  Old  Poly  Gamy's  house,  &c. 


The  Salt  Lake  Hotel.— Stage  just  come  in  from  its  overland  route  and 
retreat  from  the  Indians. — Temperance  house. — No  bar  nearer  than  Salt 
Lake  sand-bars.— Miners  in  shirts  like  Artemus  Ward  his  Programme— 
they  are  read  and  will  wash. 


Mormon  Theatre,  where  Artemus  Ward  lectured.— Mormons  like 
theatricals,  and  had  rather  go  to  the  Play-house  than  to  the  Work -house, 
any  time.— Private  boxes  reserved  for  the  ears  of  Brother  Brigham's 
wives. 


3httermt35toii  of  JFibe  ffttnntcs. 


Territorial  State-House.— Seat  of  the  Legislature.— About  as  fair  a 
collection  as  that  at  Albany— and  "  we  can't  say  no  fairer  than  that." 


Residence  of  Brigham  Young  and  his  wives. — Two  hundred  souls  with 
but  a  single  thought,  Two  hundred  hearts  that  beat  as  one. 

211 


Seraglio  of  Heber  C.  Kimball. — Home  of  the  Queens  of  Heber.— No 
relatives  of  the  Queen  of  Sheba. — They  are  a  nice  gang  of  darlings. 


Mormon  Tabernacle,  where  the  men  espouse  Mormonism  and  the 
women  espouse  Brother  Brigham  and  his  Elders  as  spiritual  Physicians, 
convicted  of  bad  doct'rin. 

*** 

Foundations  of  the  Temple.— Beginning  of  a  healthy  little  job.— 
Temple  to  enclose  all  out-doors,  and  be  paved  with  gold  at  a  premium. 


The  Temple  when  finished. — Mormon  idea  of  a  meeting-house. — 
N.B.  It  will  be  bigger,  probably,  than  Dodworth  Hall.— One  of  the 
figures  in  the  foreground  is  intended  for  Heber  C.  Kimball. — You  can 
see,  by  the  expression  of  his  back,  that  he  is  thinking  what  a  great  man 
Joseph  Smith  was. 

#*« 

The  Great  Salt  Lake.— Water  actually  thick  with  salt— too  saline  to 
sail  in. — Mariners  rocked  on  the  bosom  of  this  deep  with  rock  salt. — The 
water  isn't  very  good  to  drink. 

*** 

House  where  Mormons  are  initiated.— Very  secret  and  mysterious 
ceremonies. — Anybody  can  easily  find  out  all  about  them  though,  by  going 
out  there  and  becoming  a  Mormon 


Echo  Canon.— A  rough  bluff  sort  of  affair.— Great  Echo.— When 
Artemus  Ward  went  through,  he  heard  the  echoes  of  some  things  the 
Indians  said  there  about  four  years  and  a  half  ago. 

*** 

The  Plains  again,  with  some  noble  savages,  both  in  the  live  and  dead 
state.— The  dead  one  on  the  high  shelf  was  killed  in  a  Fratricidal 
Struggle.— They  are  always  having  Fratricidal  Struggles  out  in  that  line 
of  country.— It  would  be  a  good  place  for  an  enterprising  Coroner  to 
locate. 

212 


Brigham  Young  surrounded  by  his  wives- These  ladies  are  simply 
too  numerous  to  mention. 

*** 

©•  Those  of  the  Audience  who  do  not  feel  offended  with  Artemus 
Ward  are  cordially  invited  to  call  upon  him,  often,  at  his  fine  new  house 
III  Brooklyn.  His  house  is  on  the  right  hand  side  as  you  cross  the  Ferry, 
and  may  be  easily  distinguished  from  the  other  houses  by  its  havin-  a 
Cupola  and  a  Mortgage  on  it. 

*** 

©•  Soldiera  on  the  battle-field  will  be  admitted  to  this  Entertainment 
gratis. 

©•  The  Indians  on  the  Overland  Route  live  on  Route  and  Herbs, 
They  are  an  intemperate  people.  They  drink  with  impunity,  or  anybody 
who  invites  them. 

»** 

Artemus  Ward  delivered  Lectures  before 

ALL  THE  CROWNED  HEADS  OF  EUROPE 

ever  thought  of  delivering  lectures. 


TICKETS    50    CTS.       RESERVED    CHAIRS    $1. 

Doors  open  at  7.30  P.M. ;  Entertainment  to  commence  at  8. 


l&  The    Piano  used  is  from  the  celebrated   factory  of  Messrs. 
CHJCKEBING  &  SONS,  653,  Broadway. 

The  Cabinet  Organ  is  from  the  famous  factory  of  Messrs.  MASON 
°'  "*  "  fumi*lied  by  Ml80N  BBOTMBS,  7  Mercer 

213 


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